A video to leave you with.

I thought my final post should have what I would call my breakup soundtrack attached. I know I posted the original song in December (before it was in the charts, ahead of the curve boast) but Boyce Avenue posted this cover a week ago and I think it's a perfect sign off. This song will always remind me of this time of my life. x

For the moment here comes the end

As my health continues to not be at it's best I (have been diagnosed with a case of ME/Fibromyalgia) I must now end this blog and try to focus on the ever looming exams.

It's been 6 months today since my break up, a hard 6 months. My life has changed radically, I lost a person I loved, albeit for the best, and my world seemed to crash around me. After months of tears, chaos and coming to terms with having to devise a whole new life plan I've finally come to terms with it all.

Yes, I'm sometimes a bitter cow because I feel Karma twisted and slapped the wrong person in the face; he's living an amazing life travelling the globe with a new girlfriend and I'm here, at home, with ME. But I've learnt that I have the most amazing friends, they've stuck with me through everything and I know they'd do it all over again if they had to. Yes, I'm not great health wise and my plans to go to university next year have sadly been postponed, but I'll be fine. I've learnt so much and come so far from the person I was sixth months ago. There are always going to be the bad days, but I can see a much brighter future now, I'm on my way to mending a broken heart.

Today I seem to be full of clichés, but I guess it's because everything else is to hard to say. I still cry sometimes because of the life I feel I lost, I really did think that he was my forever. But looking back, we were so young, I was 15 when we first started going out and we both fell in love too quickly. It wasn't just a teen dream, it was love, we really did sacrifice our worlds for each other, just not at the same times or to the same extent and I got hurt. I will never forget how he treated me and how much it hurt, but I'm not going to harbour hate for him. I would never talk to him again and would cross the street if I saw him, but I'm not going to stay angry forever. It will end up being a forgive but never forget situation.

As for the boy I was seeing, it's had a sad ending, that I regret but at least it was before I got attached. I will just say that it was a sudden back out from him, after weeks of what seemed like the beginning to something of a perfect friendship. It was never going to be love, or anything of the sort, but I really hoped that we would stay friends and just drift apart when the time came for him to leave for uni in October. I think it was a bad timing kind of thing.

Even so, he helped put me back together again. I will remember him as the one who was never going to be right for me but who was right for then. He made me feel amazing again, he made me realise that I could feel attracted to a person in a way that I never thought would match how I used to feel with my ex. He made me feel bodily confident again, in a time where due to my ME, my body really isn't what it was. He made me feel like I hadn't lost it all. Maybe I put too much pressure on him to care, me being ill and stressed from exams isn't great for a hot blooded young male. I think we began to see potential feelings, even though I can honestly say we didn't sleep together and that scared us both. I'm sad he's gone, I think he would have made a great friend but life must go on and I will continue to argue against my friends opinions on him - I still state that anyone who listens to Boyce Avenue cannot be a bad guy.

Anyway, it's time for me to move on, completely, from this blog and all. I'll be starting up a new, non-anonymous blog as soon as my A Levels are over. I'll think about posting a link here so you can keep up with my life, as long as my blog remains invisible to the people I know I don't mind you readers on her knowing who I am.

And I'll come back to update if anything extraordinary happens.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me supporting messages or commented and to everyone who has been going through similar break ups don't worry, it will start looking up I promise. Rock bottom is just the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The letter from this time last year.

Really sorry I haven't been updating in ages, I've been having lots of health problems/tests/bed ridden days and exams coming up. I will be back soon hopefully, with updates and things, life must go on.

In the mean time, here's the letter the ex sent me when he was still my boyfriend last year. I came across it when I was clearing out documents earlier on this week. I think I should have seen it as a warning sign, even back then.

Dear *****,

I really do hope that you have already written something in response to this, it is only fair. I am not trying to control you all I am trying to do is be a good boyfriend and tell you my views about things. I care about how you are and so I think that is a good enough reason to let you know my feelings about certain issues, if you would rather have me not care and not air my views and find out what my family think then just don’t read on.

The pimps and hoes party where you can see your bra under your top:

As you know I have spoken to all my family and this is what they think:

• Mum: thinks it is slightly inappropriate and that you should have at least thought that I might not be happy with it. But was relieved about it being a themed party.
• Dad: thinks that it is possibly just what young girls wear and that I should let you grow up
• Sister: cannot believe that you are content with having the pictures on facebook.
• My view: I think that it was a slight overreaction but I do think anymore bra showing would have been over the top, but I guess as it was a pimps and hoes party I can excuse you and I think this is just such a small issue in the overall scheme of things.

The Clubbing for your friends 18th in August:

• Mum: thinks that it is very inappropriate and that she cannot believe your parents will let you go
• Dad: thinks that aslong as I trust you then there should be no problem, but he is a bit concerned about you drinking and thinks that your parents will not let you go when it comes to nearer the time and that possibly it is just your mum saying yes when your Dad has no idea.
• Sister: not really that fussed.
• My view: I trust you to go and I will live with it, aslong as you are sensible. I cannot say I am overly pleased about it but I just want you to realise that anything that does happen to you is entirely your fault. I am not going to lie though it does seem a bit weird you are allowed to go clubbing but then I am not allowed to take you to the dinner in London.

Look, perhaps I was slightly over-reacting at those two issues above, but what I feel is as though these two things would not have happened if you weren’t at ****** I know you are completely resenting me at the moment but I do feel *****  has changed you, and at first I think that it is in a bad way, but then if this is just how you want to express yourself, aslong as it does not come in the way of our relationship I do not see why it should be a problem. I just think you should know that you have made friends with people from a different culture (as to speak) and that they may not always be a good influence on you.

I just hope you realise that sometimes you can be an individual and I know It must be extremely difficult you going to a new school but I just hope this new social side of you, which I will have to get used to, is not down to peer pressure. Look at it from my perspective one of  your new best friends has already slept with 5guys and I have never met her. Your school does have a different way of life than ******, and perhaps that is just the way things are. I just thought you should remember though that just because everyone else you know does something doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Everyone in my year has smoked cannabis and just because If I followed them and did the same thing doesn’t make it any more moral.

No matter about this argument I still love you, and my love runs deeper than just are sometimes weekly arguments. Things are hard for us at the moment but I know that in the summer and when we are older things will be a great deal different After all we are two separate people and I think that sometimes I need to accept this. You seem to be talking that this is it, and that you cannot take anymore of me, I don’t know what you are thinking, but please think about the wonderful year and a half relationship we had, and think about the experiences, lifetimes and memories we have shared together. I am not going to start to spoil that now.

You are my first and my last , I cannot think of anyone else.

Please lets put this behind us and move on, just please remember I am always looking out for you.

I LOVE YOU

Why can't things just be simple?

This week has been crazy, I saw the boy on Wednesday when he was just coming out the gym as I went to lifeguard training. I saw the him on Thursday twice. The first time was on the bus home from town, after he'd had work. He gave me a cuddle the whole journey and kissed me, it feels so comfortable but I know it's a bit on the coupely side which we agreed we'd stay away from. The second time I saw him, he had come swimming with his mum and his sister when I was at work. We didn't really talk to each other then, his mum has no idea, which is for the best. He was really cute swimming with his mum and his sister though, they obviously get on really well which is nice and when they were getting changed he came and gave me a quick kiss. It made me feel all giggly and girly, which is never a good sign. 

I saw him again on Saturday he came here and we got a sandwich from the sandwich shop and walked the really long way back to my village to eat it. While we were enjoying our picnic, boy told me about one of my ex's sisters friends (who he used to work with so knows quite well) who had sent him a text telling him to stay away from me, really horribly referencing mine and the ex's last argument over the Christmas holidays. This girl was one of the one's who wrote horrible things about me on Facebook, but I really thought she'd got over her self and would just leave me alone, obviously not. It was a bit of a realisation though, it meant that obviously people thought there was something going on between us and as we'd agreed not to get coupley it meant perhaps we should rethink what we were doing. I didn't say anything at the time, I didn't even get upset, I left crying about this girls text until I was safe at home later. Instead I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, cuddling and kissing out in my local countryside. Again it was a perfect afternoon. At one point he was kissing me and just stopped to tell me I was beautiful, it made me feel all happy and special but I know I need to watch out otherwise I'll end up falling for him and I don't want that just yet. 

I told him on Sunday that perhaps he shouldn't come to my birthday drinks event (which I'm having with a few close friends this weekend) and he didn't take it very well. He didn't text me all of Monday and when I finally contacted him on Facebook chat things weren't great. I explained to him that he'd said he really didn't want a girlfriend and we were only dating so we couldn't keep acting like a couple. I'm not going into details as it was a rather complicated argument with lots of misunderstandings, but he basically said that he thought if we continued to act like we were we would get feelings towards each other. I don't really know where we are going to go from here, but it's certainly not simple. It's weird as we got on so well, I just think maybe it was completely the wrong time and situation. Hopefully he'll still want to go on dates as I think we could at least be really good friends. He's a really nice guy. *fingers crossed*