I guess there were hints for a while

I can't deny that I hadn't noticed things weren't great for a while. The first time I went to visit him at university he took me to a pub quiz to meet his friends. He was a bit cocky and dominating in front of them, treating me like a possession. He made a comment about why I was wearing so much make up and laughed at me for dressing up to meet his friends. It was mean, but at the time I excused it as him just showing off in front of them. That night, he didn't want to cuddle up next to me, he was stroppy and seemed to resent me visiting. I can remember him shouting at me for turning the hair dryer on after I got out the shower in the morning.

The train journey home the next day was the first time I cried about him not wanting me anymore.

Should probably get a move on with my life.

It's nearing New Years and I think that's my time for a new start. I'm not saying that everything will suddenly be okay, but at the moment I'm seeing it as a kind of barrier where I can put everything that's happened these past weeks behind me and move forward to 2012.

I have a lot that I need to move forward to. I have one module of Maths in January and then mocks in February and UCAS to worry about. 3 offers so far, but I'm still waiting on Warwick and LSE. I have History coursework and essays for my other subjects to write. I have all the work I didn't do before Christmas to catch up on. It's not fun, but I have to do it.

 New Years day will be the shock from the defibrillator I need to get me going again. * Lifeguard analogy* I will restart my life.

Aside from school work, my social life needs a kick up the backside too. Over the past two years I've become the settled girl and I need to start seeing my friends, dressing up and learn to socialise again. I also need to lose the 'relationship weight' (from being too settled), the 'breakup weight' (from all the lovetubs) and now the 'Christmas weight.' I will be toned again, without the illusion put forward by my 5 1/2 inch heels. I will lose my bingo wings and Christmas pudding stomach that's popping out. I will have legs like Pixie Lott. Eat dirt haters, I'm coming back.

I'm also going a bit blonder and may take to shaving my legs again, figured not being as hairy as a hobbit might help.

Merry Christmas Everyone

I want to thank all of the lovely people that have left me support over the past weeks. You've really helped me get through, without you, I probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy today. 

I'm not saying I haven't got upset today, I've had one teary moment, thinking about what could have been our 3rd Christmas. However, today has been great. With my family around me I've really pulled through, we've all pulled through. 

Thanks again everyone.

x

Let's hope tomorrow's jolly

My family and friends have been really good at supporting me this week. I feel really grateful to have them around me. I guess, in a way, our family has supported each other.

My mum was left a bit shaken up after a what I can only call aggressive and patronising phone call from his mum saying that everything was our families fault and spouting lies, that I can only assume were spread my his younger sister about my behaviour. Everything she said was clearly untrue as I had blocked his younger sister and her friends on Facebook and was out in London, without Facebook on the day this happened. As soon as I saw what his sister had written via an email notification I had to text on of my friends my password so that she could be blocked, and I trust that friend well enough to know she would have caused no further interference. His mum didn't deny anything that happened on the day I saw him, but told my mum that it must have been my fault, even when my mum replied telling her of my bruised wrist and sore shoulder. His mum also refused to acknowledge anything that his sister had said about me on Facebook, saying that it was me and my friends who were in the wrong.

His mum is not normally the kind of person to be so horrible. I can only assume that he's giving her a really hard time and as her loyalty lies with him, she is his son after all, that she feels forced to attack our family in order to 'protect' hers. My mum is rubbish in arguments; she admits herself that she is a walkover. Although she feels upset that she felt she just let his mum say what she did about me and my family, I could not be more proud of her. Her strength has been incredible, I would have not even been able to face the phone call.

Apart from that Christmas seems to be going smoothly. I went to a Christmas fitness class with all my friends from work yesterday and then feasted on goats cheese in the local cafe. All my presents are wrapped and the tree is looking lovely. All I need to hope for now is that I don't have a night filled with nightmares again tonight. I sleep and all I see is him. Different dreams, sometimes I'm back outside his house and he's shouting at me again about how I'm a coward and the only thing he admires is that I came to see him, other times he's laughing at me and telling me about his doubts about our relationship and how stupid I am. The worst one was last night though, I dreamt that he was crying, just crying and that he held my hand but he wouldn't stop crying. His family were all around arguing and I just felt this sense of incredible loss. I don't want a dream like that again.

The Aftermath

It's crazy how quickly situations change. Only maybe a week and a half ago I was still hoping for us to get back together, I really thought everything could change and we could get back to the bliss that once was our relationship.

I guess I never stopped to think how much damage was being inflicted on me. I never stopped to think about the times in our relationship where I really wasn't happy. I never thought about the changes I'd seen in him, the cold eyes that didn't show any love, the last time I slept over at his university and he made jokes about another girl in front of me and let me cry myself to sleep beside him, the strange deletion of everything associated with me on Facebook, all of our photos and memories gone. I didn't think about the time he laughed down the phone at me, telling me I was stupid for thinking we were going to be together forever.

Things have changed so much, I saw what he was really like and was forced in that hour the other day to come to terms with the fact that he was no longer the person I fell in love with. Maybe he'll change back to his old self in a while, it could just be a massive over reaction to the guilt he's feeling for everything. But he'll never be the same for me. I never want to see him or contact him again. I may forgive what he has done in time, but I will never forget the pain he caused me, or the cold hard hatred I saw in his eyes.

The aftermath is crazy, his sister (who saw how he behaved the other day) is going pyscho-bitch about me on Facebook, tagging me in loads of crazy posts and publicly bitching about me with her friends. One of my friends joked on my wall about getting a restraining order for him, I didn't even respond and his sister had created a status saying her mum was distraught that I would threaten legal action and be such a bitch. She got 38 likes before I detagged myself and though it was obvious to many that I had not threatened legal action, she's so popular at her school that people would believe anything that spouted out of her mouth. I've deleted her and all of her friends as well as blocking her on Facebook. Although I have detagged myself I can't delete the posts and I am just hoping that people will see through what she is saying. I know she is only trying to defend her brother, but it's awful as she clearly saw what he did to me. I just hope that she can get to terms with what he did and move on, rather than continuing to try and take her anger out on me. I just want to move on from what happened and forget about it in order to enjoy Christmas with my friends and family. 

Whatever happens this Christmas

My Soap Style Life

Right, so yesterday he came home from university. We had a phone call where he was really weird and horrible and distant but also kept laughing and joking. Left in on an average note.

Today I did the craziest thing. You know the thing that people do in films. Stupid me. I told him I was coming round to talk and I went round (I also brought my running kit because he used to love going running with me).

I went round with all of the crap of his that I still had at my house and dropped it off. He refused to look at me or even see me, but came outside to get his things. I had a pair of cheap sunglasses of his and I took them out of my bag and he lunged for them, so I told him he could have them back if he talked to me and told my why he was acting so hatefully. He then lunged at me, twisted my arm behind my back, kicked the backs of my legs and laughed. I dropped the glasses, but he continued to twist my arm round until I started to cry, at which point he pushed me to the ground, picked up the glasses and walked inside, slamming the door. (His family saw all of this) While I got up, his mum called out to ask if I was okay to which he replied ' That? It's just trash that the bin men forgot to pick up, it needs getting rid of.' I threw my red book that he'd given me as a goodbye present before uni at his door and I left.

His mum followed my down the street and called for me and so I turned to talk to her. She apologised for his behaviour and said that he was just getting changed and would come and talk to me properly. We had some general polite conversation where she told me that he had been anti-social every time he'd been home. He then came out looked at me and told me to get walking, we walked and I tried to talk to him. He just ignored me and laughed at every words asking me 'if that was all I'd got.' He finally asked me to ask him questions.

I asked him if he liked someone else:
'Yes'

If he'd kissed her:
'Yes'

If he'd slept with her:
'Yes, last Thursday'

Girlfriend?:
'Kind of, I guess' and then he laughed at me again and went 'See, I wasn't going to tell you'

I turned around and walked back to his house without him. I saw his Mum and asked for my red book back, which she gave to me. I then said 'I know why it is now, he met someone else. At least he didn't cheat' and then I left for my Mum to come and pick me up.

I got in the car with my Mum and we were just leaving when we saw his Mum running down the road crying, we stopped and she told me I had to give the red book back to him because he didn't want me to have it and he was getting really angry at her. I told her I would give it back myself, and I went back to his house and on the way ripped up the book and gave it to him and said that his new girlfriend could have a better one. He just laughed and told me he hated me and swore at me. I left.  Never again will I go anywhere near him. 

Photo

Thought I might grace you with a photo of me in  my dress.

Hitting the town.

Had my first proper party since the break up last night. My work's Christmas staff social at the local hotel. I had a choice of two dresses, a one shouldered red one and a black body con one. I wore the black one, I think I'll save the red one for when I'm ready to really get out there.

I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to have a good time and enjoy myself. But I really did, I staggered around in my 5 1/2 inch heels and my tiny dress, feeling and probably looking better than I had in ages. I had a little bit to drink and danced the night away with my friends, making the most of my camera and photo ready make up. There was one really massive drunken fail, when I may have got a bit over drunk and angry watching my friends get with people while I was trying to figure out how to dance like a normal single human being and I went to call him, luckily a friend noticed and snatched my phone off me before he picked up. I hate myself for this. Anyway, literally ten seconds after I had a really angry text saying that he wanted to block my number and getting all angry. ONE PHONECALL? Jeez lighten up, who hasn't ever done something really stupid while drunk.

Oh well, that ruined it a little bit, but a pick me up from my gorgeous supportive friends made everything so much better. I love them so very much, they'll make my Christmas.

Here's a pic of my dress in case you're interested. It's from Warehouse and cost £55.

Semi-crash again

Today was fine, I guess. Shopping was good, though there was pretty much nothing nice in the shops. They're always pretty poor this time of year. But going to London was okay, I managed it.

Basically London was our city, it was our place to go and shop and hang out and meet up. It was my place to see him and I hadn't been back since. It felt weird and I felt clingy to the place almost, but I was okay, until my friends made me go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. We were supposed to go there for our anniversary and I hated every minute that I was there. I felt like I was surrounded by couples, listening to Michael Buble. Literally wanted to crawl under the wooden roofs of the stupid Bavarian Christmas shacks and cry.

Why am I still like this?

Getting my mojo back

I'm trying this thing that Cheryl Cole apparently used, it's called 'happiness therapy.' Basically I'm just keeping busy doing things that make me happy and showing people how happy I am. If you look happy and confident, eventually you feel it and it's starting to work. I have a nice new Facebook profile picture of me in my sheer black shirt, black bra outline just visible and I have to admit, I look good. I've been complemented by friends who say it's nice to see me dress up again and it feels good.

 I'm shopping in London with friends tomorrow and think a nice bit of retail therapy won't do me any harm. I'm having fun and all the time I'm taking photos, photos of me smiling, surrounded by friends. This way I know I feel good and so does everyone else. If for some reason, sometime I feel down, I'll just look at those photos and remind myself that actually my life doesn't suck. I'm surrounded by friends who love me and what more could I need?

Looking up

Since the weekend, I've actually been feeling a lot better. It's the last week of term, everyone's happy and I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about him. I've realised how crazy I've been and how I need to get on with my life and it's working. I feel practically fine, I can laugh and joke and am really looking forward to a series of parties I'm going to this weekend.

I'm still sad, but I'm not as sad about not being his girlfriend, I'm just sad about not seeing him anymore. I hope that one day we'll be friends.

Realisation

I've realised now how I pushed him away after the break up, I read that men can change their minds really quickly. He did, but he was on the brink of coming back and I pushed him the other way with my over the top keenness and desperation. I almost missed him too much, maybe he honestly didn't know how much he meant to me and it scared him off when he found out.

Nobody wants to get back with a crier. As they sing in Cabaret 'Everybody loves a winner and that's why no one loved me.' I was too desperate and that made me weak and unappealing, it would have been better just to have been confident and sell myself rather than try and give myself away to him again. I'm an ugly crier and being too keen never helps anyone. I've learnt my lesson now and vow not to contact him or let him contact me again for personal contact, just business. I'm going to wait completely and then maybe in January send him a casual birthday card, as an attempt to make peace and if he doesn't reply, I'll have to leave it. I'll realise that I'm no longer a part of his life at all, that he has literally erased me from it.

There's still hope among my realisation though. 

Tears keep coming.

I read in the papers that there is going to be a drought next year, I have a plan. The way I'm going my tears will create enough salty water to keep the sea levels high. The special breeds of fish that expected to die out won't, I will be here to save them with my daily bawling. 

I should have been there

He had his university Christmas ball last night. I should have been there, dancing, looking pretty in a dress that would match his tie in the sickly way couples do that sort of thing. Instead, I was being distracted helping out at my school production, trying anything not to look at Facebook to look for photos or statuses. He is taking  another girl, she is gorgeous with alabaster skin and long curly brown hair, the opposite of me. He commented on Facebook telling her to look pretty because he had standards to uphold. Made me feel well, not great.

I miss him so much, I still feel really lost and confused and I just want to see him. It's been nearly four weeks and I still feel crazy. When will things get better? 

This song makes me feel a bit better.

Anger comes in many forms

My anger changes, from angry tears to elated '**** you, I'm going to move on' moments.

The feeling that I can come out of this stronger and better and later in life move on to a love that is real and actually good for me, makes me feel so hopeful. During these moods I put on makeup and dress up in my best clothes, feeling strong and like I can take on the world. I bitch about him to friends and make jokes. I listen to empowering music like Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway Album and Beyonce. I can do my homework and have the motivation to listen in class, socialise and do exercise.

Then comes the angry tears, the times of hate and anger so tight inside me that I wanted to just rip it out and lash out. I am anti-social, snappy and confused. Why has he done this? Why did this happen to me, the stable one, always comfortable in my relationship and with myself until now.

The angry tears become less and less often, but till then everyone knows when to give me some space. I feel sorry for those around.

Today comes the anger and the hate.

Okay, I sent him an email this morning, the morning after our would be anniversary. One last email, in which I quoted the letter he gave to me the night before he went to uni.

It said 'I am in no doubt that things will be hard, but I know through all our experiences together, that we can get through anything. I want you to stick with me and keep loving me like you do and everything will come from me in return.'


I told him that we could get past this still, that we'd both been stupid and selfish and that it would be okay if we both tried. I reminded him of the times we'd had and how it's stupid to just leave all that at nothing.

Of course he just rang me and told me he thought I was pathetic for being so upset and that if I was 'normal' and happy he might want me back. That it was me that made him hate me. I then cried and he just laughed at me. I told him that he wouldn't want me back if I was happy, that I was being normal being upset after the breakup, that he just didn't want me back and that he was being horrible to me to make me hate him so he didn't feel guilty about upsetting me. He told me I was an idiot and that he wouldn't ever regret breaking up with me and that he never ever wanted to see me or get back together with me.

I hung up at that point. Now I'm just angry. I think anger is better than sadness, at least now  I have some feelings of hate I can start to see how wrong it was. Hopefully this will help. The hate feels empowering, I don't feel as weak anymore.  

New Diet

The lovetub diet 
It's warm and gooey and fills you up like a treat. I feel love in my tummy when I eat this. It will never let you down. 

The hardest day

Today would have been our two year anniversary. We should have been exchanging cheesy texts all day and looking forward to the (already booked with only a partial refund, £50 lost on my behalf) hotel for our romantic weekend. We were supposed to exchange presents and I was supposed to give him the engraved silver and leather bracelet that he'd been hinting at for ages. We were supposed to go Christmas shopping and have hot milkshakes, just like our first date two years ago.

Instead, I didn't sleep at all last night and spent today dozing through my lessons, with my energy coming from two Lovetubs, a muffin, a McDonalds and a pizza. I have spent my free time watching both Legally Blonde films and feeling numb. I have been both needy and anti-social, probably angering all the lovely patient people who have helped me through today. I have been to Zumba and then spent 45 in the steam room. I have also worn make up for the first time in what feels like ages. I have both felt good about myself and felt lost and upset. I'm angry that we're not together and I can't stop thinking about all of our memories. 

Today has been the hardest day, I feel empty and tired and full of loss. I feel that I finally look like me again, but I only want to share it with him. The hardest bit of all though is the underlying hope and expectation I had all day that he would contact me today to say he missed me and it didn't happen. It's really over.