A video to leave you with.

I thought my final post should have what I would call my breakup soundtrack attached. I know I posted the original song in December (before it was in the charts, ahead of the curve boast) but Boyce Avenue posted this cover a week ago and I think it's a perfect sign off. This song will always remind me of this time of my life. x

For the moment here comes the end

As my health continues to not be at it's best I (have been diagnosed with a case of ME/Fibromyalgia) I must now end this blog and try to focus on the ever looming exams.

It's been 6 months today since my break up, a hard 6 months. My life has changed radically, I lost a person I loved, albeit for the best, and my world seemed to crash around me. After months of tears, chaos and coming to terms with having to devise a whole new life plan I've finally come to terms with it all.

Yes, I'm sometimes a bitter cow because I feel Karma twisted and slapped the wrong person in the face; he's living an amazing life travelling the globe with a new girlfriend and I'm here, at home, with ME. But I've learnt that I have the most amazing friends, they've stuck with me through everything and I know they'd do it all over again if they had to. Yes, I'm not great health wise and my plans to go to university next year have sadly been postponed, but I'll be fine. I've learnt so much and come so far from the person I was sixth months ago. There are always going to be the bad days, but I can see a much brighter future now, I'm on my way to mending a broken heart.

Today I seem to be full of clichés, but I guess it's because everything else is to hard to say. I still cry sometimes because of the life I feel I lost, I really did think that he was my forever. But looking back, we were so young, I was 15 when we first started going out and we both fell in love too quickly. It wasn't just a teen dream, it was love, we really did sacrifice our worlds for each other, just not at the same times or to the same extent and I got hurt. I will never forget how he treated me and how much it hurt, but I'm not going to harbour hate for him. I would never talk to him again and would cross the street if I saw him, but I'm not going to stay angry forever. It will end up being a forgive but never forget situation.

As for the boy I was seeing, it's had a sad ending, that I regret but at least it was before I got attached. I will just say that it was a sudden back out from him, after weeks of what seemed like the beginning to something of a perfect friendship. It was never going to be love, or anything of the sort, but I really hoped that we would stay friends and just drift apart when the time came for him to leave for uni in October. I think it was a bad timing kind of thing.

Even so, he helped put me back together again. I will remember him as the one who was never going to be right for me but who was right for then. He made me feel amazing again, he made me realise that I could feel attracted to a person in a way that I never thought would match how I used to feel with my ex. He made me feel bodily confident again, in a time where due to my ME, my body really isn't what it was. He made me feel like I hadn't lost it all. Maybe I put too much pressure on him to care, me being ill and stressed from exams isn't great for a hot blooded young male. I think we began to see potential feelings, even though I can honestly say we didn't sleep together and that scared us both. I'm sad he's gone, I think he would have made a great friend but life must go on and I will continue to argue against my friends opinions on him - I still state that anyone who listens to Boyce Avenue cannot be a bad guy.

Anyway, it's time for me to move on, completely, from this blog and all. I'll be starting up a new, non-anonymous blog as soon as my A Levels are over. I'll think about posting a link here so you can keep up with my life, as long as my blog remains invisible to the people I know I don't mind you readers on her knowing who I am.

And I'll come back to update if anything extraordinary happens.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me supporting messages or commented and to everyone who has been going through similar break ups don't worry, it will start looking up I promise. Rock bottom is just the opportunity for a new beginning. 

The letter from this time last year.

Really sorry I haven't been updating in ages, I've been having lots of health problems/tests/bed ridden days and exams coming up. I will be back soon hopefully, with updates and things, life must go on.

In the mean time, here's the letter the ex sent me when he was still my boyfriend last year. I came across it when I was clearing out documents earlier on this week. I think I should have seen it as a warning sign, even back then.

Dear *****,

I really do hope that you have already written something in response to this, it is only fair. I am not trying to control you all I am trying to do is be a good boyfriend and tell you my views about things. I care about how you are and so I think that is a good enough reason to let you know my feelings about certain issues, if you would rather have me not care and not air my views and find out what my family think then just don’t read on.

The pimps and hoes party where you can see your bra under your top:

As you know I have spoken to all my family and this is what they think:

• Mum: thinks it is slightly inappropriate and that you should have at least thought that I might not be happy with it. But was relieved about it being a themed party.
• Dad: thinks that it is possibly just what young girls wear and that I should let you grow up
• Sister: cannot believe that you are content with having the pictures on facebook.
• My view: I think that it was a slight overreaction but I do think anymore bra showing would have been over the top, but I guess as it was a pimps and hoes party I can excuse you and I think this is just such a small issue in the overall scheme of things.

The Clubbing for your friends 18th in August:

• Mum: thinks that it is very inappropriate and that she cannot believe your parents will let you go
• Dad: thinks that aslong as I trust you then there should be no problem, but he is a bit concerned about you drinking and thinks that your parents will not let you go when it comes to nearer the time and that possibly it is just your mum saying yes when your Dad has no idea.
• Sister: not really that fussed.
• My view: I trust you to go and I will live with it, aslong as you are sensible. I cannot say I am overly pleased about it but I just want you to realise that anything that does happen to you is entirely your fault. I am not going to lie though it does seem a bit weird you are allowed to go clubbing but then I am not allowed to take you to the dinner in London.

Look, perhaps I was slightly over-reacting at those two issues above, but what I feel is as though these two things would not have happened if you weren’t at ****** I know you are completely resenting me at the moment but I do feel *****  has changed you, and at first I think that it is in a bad way, but then if this is just how you want to express yourself, aslong as it does not come in the way of our relationship I do not see why it should be a problem. I just think you should know that you have made friends with people from a different culture (as to speak) and that they may not always be a good influence on you.

I just hope you realise that sometimes you can be an individual and I know It must be extremely difficult you going to a new school but I just hope this new social side of you, which I will have to get used to, is not down to peer pressure. Look at it from my perspective one of  your new best friends has already slept with 5guys and I have never met her. Your school does have a different way of life than ******, and perhaps that is just the way things are. I just thought you should remember though that just because everyone else you know does something doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Everyone in my year has smoked cannabis and just because If I followed them and did the same thing doesn’t make it any more moral.

No matter about this argument I still love you, and my love runs deeper than just are sometimes weekly arguments. Things are hard for us at the moment but I know that in the summer and when we are older things will be a great deal different After all we are two separate people and I think that sometimes I need to accept this. You seem to be talking that this is it, and that you cannot take anymore of me, I don’t know what you are thinking, but please think about the wonderful year and a half relationship we had, and think about the experiences, lifetimes and memories we have shared together. I am not going to start to spoil that now.

You are my first and my last , I cannot think of anyone else.

Please lets put this behind us and move on, just please remember I am always looking out for you.

I LOVE YOU

Why can't things just be simple?

This week has been crazy, I saw the boy on Wednesday when he was just coming out the gym as I went to lifeguard training. I saw the him on Thursday twice. The first time was on the bus home from town, after he'd had work. He gave me a cuddle the whole journey and kissed me, it feels so comfortable but I know it's a bit on the coupely side which we agreed we'd stay away from. The second time I saw him, he had come swimming with his mum and his sister when I was at work. We didn't really talk to each other then, his mum has no idea, which is for the best. He was really cute swimming with his mum and his sister though, they obviously get on really well which is nice and when they were getting changed he came and gave me a quick kiss. It made me feel all giggly and girly, which is never a good sign. 

I saw him again on Saturday he came here and we got a sandwich from the sandwich shop and walked the really long way back to my village to eat it. While we were enjoying our picnic, boy told me about one of my ex's sisters friends (who he used to work with so knows quite well) who had sent him a text telling him to stay away from me, really horribly referencing mine and the ex's last argument over the Christmas holidays. This girl was one of the one's who wrote horrible things about me on Facebook, but I really thought she'd got over her self and would just leave me alone, obviously not. It was a bit of a realisation though, it meant that obviously people thought there was something going on between us and as we'd agreed not to get coupley it meant perhaps we should rethink what we were doing. I didn't say anything at the time, I didn't even get upset, I left crying about this girls text until I was safe at home later. Instead I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, cuddling and kissing out in my local countryside. Again it was a perfect afternoon. At one point he was kissing me and just stopped to tell me I was beautiful, it made me feel all happy and special but I know I need to watch out otherwise I'll end up falling for him and I don't want that just yet. 

I told him on Sunday that perhaps he shouldn't come to my birthday drinks event (which I'm having with a few close friends this weekend) and he didn't take it very well. He didn't text me all of Monday and when I finally contacted him on Facebook chat things weren't great. I explained to him that he'd said he really didn't want a girlfriend and we were only dating so we couldn't keep acting like a couple. I'm not going into details as it was a rather complicated argument with lots of misunderstandings, but he basically said that he thought if we continued to act like we were we would get feelings towards each other. I don't really know where we are going to go from here, but it's certainly not simple. It's weird as we got on so well, I just think maybe it was completely the wrong time and situation. Hopefully he'll still want to go on dates as I think we could at least be really good friends. He's a really nice guy. *fingers crossed*

Bleugh. Get out of my life

The ex is still dragging things out. In the past two weeks, I had a series of lovely aggressive emails from him again refuting my rights to my website and insulting me, basically giving the impression he regretted everything that happened between us. He needs to grow up, I have no positive feelings for him at all, but I don't regret us being together, yes perhaps for the last few months but for a long time in the beginning we were brilliant. If he really regretted everything, then 2 years is a bit long to hold on to something you didn't want. He also after I angrily notified him that I knew he'd deleted all his friends on Facebook except on of my really close friends started calling up those friends to explain that he couldn't be friends with them because they were 'on my side.' He left an angry voice mail to his old best friend, whom I have previously mentioned, referring to me by my full name and saying that anyone associated with me would not be his friend. I really don't get it - he's the one who has moved on to this whole new life, why is he the one that keeps dragging me back in? I wish he would just stay away with his new life and new girlfriend and let me live mine without him.

On the other hand, I really do need my website back soon. I have a business thing coming up and I don't have the time or the skills to create a new one. It's stressful. 

Friday night

So Friday night, after a change of plan and almost another flakey ditch from the guy as he worked late, we went on date number 2. On Thursday he'd texted saying that he was working late and after my blatant pissedoffness (it felt like the billionth time he'd done this) and a bit of an angry text message session between us, he came to visit me at work to give me a hug. Actually the nicest thing that anyone's done for me in a long time. I honestly don't know why he puts up with me, we're like old friends having these little arguments.

Anyway, we decided to go to the cinema and dinner after he'd finished work on Friday, I persuaded my parents to let me get the late bus home and it went ahead. I went into town in the morning and got the same bus as him, he held my hand and gave me a kiss when I left him to go shopping with my friend. I can't deny I was excited for our date. Overall, the date went brilliantly, he looked so gorgeous and tall when I returned into town in the evening and he warmed up my hands as we waited for our space at the noodle place I'd chosen. We talked like old friends, no awkward silences at all, for the whole meal. It was crazy how amazing we got on and then he made it even better my warming me up with a cuddle as we waited outside the cinema.

 I can say that I've never properly been on dates, when I went out with the ex I was only 15, so we didn't really 'date' in the beginning. Even though it was just a casual date, I can't imagine getting on with someone on a date better than we did. We watched The Woman in Black at the cinema, and I've never really been on for cinema pda, but I can admit we did have a bit of a cuddle. I was so scared at one point that while I was hiding in his shoulder there was a really jumpy seen and I bit his shoulder. It sounds like it would have been the most embarrassing thing, but he really didn't care. I don't know what it is, but it just seems things can't get awkward with this guy.

Things got crazier when we missed the late bus home. My Dad had to come and pick us up from the train station. Boy handled it well, answered my normally scary Dad's questions well and politely and left a fairly good impression. Boy passed Dad's tests and made a situation which could have been frankly friendship ruiningly awkward (you really don't need your parents picking you up on a date) into one that was fine. The night was perfect, oh except the minor detail that he left his bag with his wallet in at the cinema. Silly boy, I felt so bad about it, but I guess it just means I'll be buying the drinks for a while. 

Of all the first dates

Firstdatething with NYE guy happened today, finally, after a billion let downs and 2 months. Thought it would feel like the weirdest thing in the world going on a date, but it didn't, seemed completely and weirdly natural. It was like we'd known each other for ages, I guess that's what an average of probably  10 texts between us a day over nearly two months does.

Not that it was like a datedate, you know like one with food (I classify dates as generally involving food), the blackened cheese on toast I made us for lunch definitely didn't count as food. IT WAS A MASSIVE COOKING FAIL. He didn't seem to  mind though, ate it like a man. We watched Transformers 3 which I had downloaded from iTunes and had a cuddle because of the cold and then a very nice kiss afterwards, which again wasn't weird and I thought it would be seeing as I haven't kissed someone new in about 3 years. It was nice.

I know it sounds like the weirdest firstdatething ever. It was a bit, but in a really good way. We both kept laughing at how it felt like we'd known each other for ages and how comfortable it felt. We have a more dateishdate on Friday. NANDO'S. Actually love chicken. But I did find this, but it's cool as it isn't a first date anymore Reasons why not to go to Nando's on a first date. I think we have this casual dating thing down to a T.

Oh and did I mention that he still has really nice arms. 

Wow he does some weird stuff

Right, my ex's best friend from sixth form and our mutual friend has just contacted me to tell me that my ex has deleted him and others as a friend on Facebook. Wow. These guys were really really good friends, this guy went to reading with me and my ex (third wheel but that's how close they were) and now suddenly he's deleted him on Facebook. I mean I know they haven't spoken much since Christmas, the friend told me, but I have no idea what caused this. It seems he really is cutting all the old people out of his life. In a way it makes me feel better that I wasn't the only one. The ex has a real hate club back in this town now, no friends for him when he comes back in the Summer, if he comes back. He can rot in the city for all us home lot care. 

A lovely reminder at school today

Today we had a chlamydia test and contraception talk. NO, I don't have 'the love bug', if I did I would be outside his uni room with a pair of shears to cut of his genitals.

However, the contraception talk did hit a nerve. The ex had issues with contraception, he was fine using condoms and all that, but we liked to be doubly safe and lets say he had issues over my body and what hormones and stuff went into it. I was on the injection, I can't have the pill because I get focal migraines. The injection wasn't going great, it made me feel sick and I was all teary and horrible and I wanted to try something different. When I told him, mid October, he said that if I ever, ever, ever got the coil he would leave me and never sleep near me again. It was weird, I could understand if it was some massive contraption, but then I saw one today and they're basically TINY, like smaller than a 50p in height and they look so simple. I wasn't even properly considering getting one when I was with him, it was just an idea, but him saying that really offended me. Should things mean that much, shouldn't it be a two way conversation, not a dictation. If anyone should have been doing the dictation about what goes into my body, shouldn't it me be?

 Anyway, the day just hit a nerve for me. I'm really glad I'm out of that relationship. What would he have done if I'd of actually gotten the coil? I have no idea, but I bet it wouldn't have been pretty. Lets anybody who I end up with in the future realises I'm in control of my body. 

Well this is different

Last night I went out for the first time. Like actually out, like in an actual club. I have been out before, but that was with ex and we didn't drink or dance or anything because what he said went. I went out with my friends and actually had fun. I couldn't remember how nice it was to just dance with friends and to feel guys looking at me, like actually looking at me. I didn't get with anyone, really wasn't interested, but I learnt the tricks of how to get drinks and drank them straight from the barman so not to get spiked. I'm a clever girl.
It was crazy, I didn't get overly drunk and had so much fun just letting go of all the school stress and just dancing. I can see now how everyone thought I'd got a bit stuck in a rut last year, I really was missing out. From now on I'm completely selfish and just looking to things for my own benefit, I need it I think. I don't want to miss anything again.

I also saw mancrushthing in town afterwards, I went into his work to see him. HE IS SOO TALL. I looked horrific. I stayed at my friends house in town overnight and woke up in the morning to ring home and basically be told that I couldn't come home till the afternoon as my family was out and I had no key. I was wearing last nights clothes but with tights and boots, I resembled a dishevelled eastern European prostitute. We met up for a bit during his lunch break and it made me so happy that he didn't care how awful I looked. He also noticed that I was looking at his bum, awkward, but he didn't mind so it was nice. He's nice.   

Did I mention the arms?

Have I mentioned I saw mancrush on the bus the other day? How is lust a sin? His arms are like GORGEOUS. I was just waiting for the bus and he just turned up behind me, cringey as my shopping consisted of a new snuggie and some nerd sweets. I am too cool, my single life has become one of cosiness rather than sexiness. Blankets and onsies over lingerie anyday.

Frustration overload

Do you know what the ex has done now, just as I was feeling fine and dandy, casually lusting over 6''3 mancrush with nice arms. He's gone and unblocked me on Facebook. There I was typing another friends name with the same really generic first letter into the search book and there he is, top of my list again (because of all our past contact). Didn't know what to do, he was even using a picture taken by me when we were together, he was on his own in the photo, but still I took it! Obviously the only reason he'd unblocked me was so he could look at my Facebook, which is fine seeing as I have made the effort to look good in every photo since the break, but still. I don't need this!
Also nice to see his links with the new girl with the stupid name. They're not 'Facebook official' if that counts, but still. I really didn't need this, it's so irritating. I know I need to reblock him so I can keep where I am, but if I do, he'll see this and then what? Also, how dare he have the cheek to unblock me when he still won't give me back my website and has the guts to email me saying its because his internet is down - it's obviously not if he's on Facebook. Damn it boy, just leave me the hell alone. I was just starting to really enjoy myself.
Mind you, he'll probably have a heart attack when he sees my photos. He was a bit controlling, as you can tell. There was this one time he wrote a letter to me and my friends at school after he saw a photo of my at a party that he couldn't come to because he was busy. It was a themed 'pimps and hoes' party, mind you I'm no hoe. I went as a pimp; black bodycon skirt, black tights, pimp necklace, fur coat and to add a little bit of glamour a sheerish white shirt with black bra underneath. He went ballistic, printed off a photo where you could just make out the outline of my bra underneath, collected disapproving comments from his family and wrote the letter. That was our first big argument. Funny, I barely ever went to parties after that, and never wore that top which was from Zara btw, so not slaggy, again. He'll go crazy when he sees my cut out black bodycon dress. Hahaha, at least that's one thing I can be proud of. I'm finally confident in myself again and no matter how much of a controlling idiot he is, I need to remember what I missed when I was with him and learn to be a teenager again. 

sdfsadfasd I HATE BOYS

A mess this weekend. Aside from the fact that I'm more than a little bit miffed at rumours that my ex is taking his new girlfriend to Paris in half term, this guy I've been texting since New Years was supposed to be taking me out on a date on Saturday and cancelled Saturday morning with a 'hangover'.

I feel stupid. I really thought that I was getting back on track and I was really really looking forward to my date. I felt all silly and girlie and giggly, I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was crazy. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for getting my hopes up so much. I really thought that maybe I was ready for a date. I'm obviously not, the let down brought back so many bad feelings and memories. I still feel so bitter that I'm being let down while the ex is fine. I shouldn't be feeling like that if I want to go out on a date with this guy.

The guy sent me a really nice apology text in the evening though, after I was noticeably annoyed. I really fancy him, so maybe if he impresses me then there will be another chance for a date. I may forgive him to easily, but he's been warned, I've been treated like rubbish before and I'm not taking that treatment again. I'm keeping my guard up, properly, I really feel that I'm not in a position to let myself like someone just yet.  I'm still feeling pretty vulnerable so I don't think he's my someone, but I guess there's no harm in a date. 

Anyone know any online Bailiffs?

I'm just constantly frustrated with this nowadays. I'm fed up with his lying emails and excuses about not being able to transfer my website from the account we used to share. He said he has no internet in his room, but I know he does because he's used the edited his website so I know he's still accessing the account. I'm paying still paying for my part and I'm finding it so stressful that I can't access it. It's been a month since that last horrible day and I would have thought he would want to cut the cord as much as I do.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm never going to get my website back, but I spent so much time and effort on it, it's on my personal statement and everything. I just feel like he still has this over powering control by keeping it from me and I don't think there is anything I can do to get it back. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

A massive contradiction to my last post, but earlier today I had my first mini-breakdown in ages.

 Maybe it's because I'm stressing about the email he sent me last week concerning the joint website provider account for our separate businesses that we used to have (he changed the passwords and blocked me out of it when he went horrible) saying that he hasn't transferred my site yet because he has no internet in him room. It's been 2 months, I am stressing. I can't reply in an angry way because it will just look like I'm angry over him not the website and that I still have messed up feelings for him. I feel so weak not being able to get it back, it feels like he's laughing at me, being in control of this final piece of closure.

Or maybe it's because I feel so stressed and confused about this guy I'm texting. I almost don't want to trust what he says, I don't want to like him, ultimately I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to be rebound girl, I don't even know what a rebound truly is, but whatever it is, it doesn't sound healthy. Knowing me I'd be the one to like him too much.

It's all crazy, especially as underlying all of this mess I almost feel guilty about wanting to move on. I feel like I should owe something to the past 2 years. I know I'm only young, but I was truly in love with my ex-boyfriend and everything just felt so right and planned out with him. I know I'm probably still figuring out the instability of not knowing where my life is going, but it's frustrating me now. I shouldn't have to cry any more.

Brick by boring brick.

Self confidence is one of those things that takes absolutely ages to built, years even. Built up carefully through happy memories, nice photos and compliments it can be taken away by in a second. 

My confidence is slowly coming back, I can look at myself now without questioning what went wrong. Without asking if it would be different if I had been skinnier, or bubblier, or shaved my legs all the time. I'm stopping doubting myself, stopping feeling ashamed when anyone asks how I'm doing or very occasionally asks what happened between me and him. I still have moments when I look back, but I'm trying not to look back with regret, it just makes me feel weak. I have to think about how much worse it would have been if it had happened a few years on, if we'd moved in together. I'd have been a mess, the issues of sorting out a stupid website account we share are nothing compared to the mess of sorting out a house and a life together. 

All my friends seem to be turning 18 at the moment, which means I have a lot of parties to go to and a lot of different outfits to wear. This means happy photos. I know a teenagers life shouldn't be measured by others on their Facebook photos, but they are, and since the break up I've lost over 100 photos of me as they were all with him. I've also come to realise that all my other photos are of me in my onsie, it's not a bad thing, but I probably don't give off the impression of a 17 year old whose 'lovin life.' Hopefully I will soon. Have also made my profile private for the time being, really don't want the ex's friends or his new bit  having a good old stalk. In the shallowest way, I'm going to wait till I have a super hot display picture to scare them all off. 

Somebody that I used to know

This song came to me at just the right time, it's beautiful. 

2012 is shaping up.

Okay so the school work that I didn't do because of all the mess and heartbreak at the end of last term has caught up with me, I had to spend the first two days of term catching up on homework during my frees. Great.

Apart from that things are going rather well. I feel as if there is a massive load off my shoulders and people at school have noticed how much cheerier I seem. I mean, I still can't listen to Katy Perry's -One That Got Away without feeling a little bit bitter, but apart from that things truly are moving up. I've spent a good £200 on sales now, and got a personal best for my 400m swim, so I am getting fitter. I've also booked a holiday to Tenerife with my friends after exams finish, I think it will be good to just have a girly week and relax in the sun.

I'm still confused about this other boy though, good things come at such bad times. I'm not even sure whether it's a good thing yet, we've only been texting since so I guess I'll have to wait and see if I see him again. Crazy. 

New Year, New Start and all that.

How did I bring in 2012? At a party of a friend of a friend from my old school, with all of my old secondary school friends that I've kept in touch with. It was nice partying with the girls who have kept me sane over these past few weeks and seeing some rather old faces again. I drank a fair amount, but not too much, and just had fun.

 There were a couple of older boys there, the hosts sister's friends, who were a couple of years above us at school. I got talking to a few of them after they enticed us younguns with a drinking game. It was strange seeing people flirting with me again, I don't think I've had someone treat me like that in ages. I've always either been the girl that's pretty much settled down or more recently, the girl with the broken heart. I liked not being judged on either of those two things.

One of the boys, who I must say is an attractive man, has been texting me since then. I like him and it's the weirdest feeling. I almost feel guilty about liking him, I don't think I should be able to feel like this yet, all smiley inside when he sends a text. I know I have no feelings for my ex any more, after our lasting meeting he's been dead to me (strong words, I know) but I still feel that I should be grieving. I just haven't thought about him in a romantic way for what feels like such a long time now, it's almost as if it's another life. The pain I feel now isn't over him, it's over what feels like a gap in my life as I blank out the memories.

This boy know's that I'm just out of a relationship and for all I know, has probably heard some of the mess surrounding it. I know I'm not ready for something serious, I can't risk getting hurt again, but it feels right talking to him. I don't want to be messed around and I also don't want to hurt his feelings by suddenly backing out if I feel that I can't allow myself to like him.  But could it be that in all this mess, a good person might have turned up in front of me, just at a really stupid time?