It's not over - Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me? 
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

I'm ashamed to say this

I've been building myself up to write this. It's hard and crazy and I still haven't come to terms with it, but I think I need to get it out of my system.

 Basically, he didn't write a letter, he didn't even text, he didn't phone me on the Friday. I know I should of just taken his non response as his answer and started moving on, but I felt I couldn't. I was so hopeful that he was still deciding that he wanted to get back together with me. I was so upset that he hadn't phoned me yet. I was so angry that after two years and a weekend of mixed messages that he was just going to leave me hanging for ever. It made me crazy, I couldn't think. I was constantly checking my phone, emails and Facebook  One of his uni friends spoke to me on Facebook and said that he wanted me and the ex to get back together but that he thought that he was fine and that everything seemed back to normal, he then encouraged me to go and surprise him at his university in an attempt to get back together. Of course I didn't do that, that would have been crazy, stunts like that only work in films, plus there was no way I could afford the train tickets and my parents wouldn't have let me anyway.

But what I did wasn't that much better. I might have gone a little bit over the top on Friday night and phoned him about 30 odd times and sent him a text and an email telling him to contact me. I also phoned him on the Saturday about 10 times during the day. You know when you know someone is hanging up on you because it rings a few times then just cuts out, I had that and I hated it, I refused to give up until he had  given me an answer, I thought I deserved to know what he wanted. How was I supposed to move on if I was still hoping he'd want me back someday.

He rang in the evening, it was cold and he simply said that he hated me and that I'd brought this on myself, that if I hadn't of rang him his views might be different, that he might of tried to make things work. When he hung up I threw up. I feel so stupid and angry and confused. Why was I so stupid and desperate and crazy phoning him all those times? Why didn't I just wait and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position now, he might still want me. It's been the hardest week thinking about this, it doesn't feel real, I feel so lost. I never thought I'd turn into one of those crazy exes.

Sorry I'm late.

I know I haven't posted for the past few days. I'm just having a really hard time coming to term with what's happening. It's like I'm going through mood cycle's. I'll be fine and really excited and motivated to write this blog because people are actually reading it and that makes me feel good, but then I'll think that actually I have no one to share this success with. I haven't shown it to anyone I know and the person I normally share my successes with isn't interested and would never ever even look at me again if he found out. It's like I look at the blog and when I actually think about it I remember the reason why I'm writing it. I forget it's success and just think about the loss it represents.

What's happened since my last post is something I'm really find hard to digest. I've started the post. It's in my drafts and as soon as I can face up to it, I'll finish it and post it. Hopefully it will be a relief. 

Mixed up World

He sent me a text making sure I was home safe after we'd meet up and said he hoped I'd had a nice time with my friends. He texted me on Saturday asking if I was okay and said that he would ring me in the evening. In the evening we just talked about everyday life and at the end he mentioned that he was seeing this as 'more of an extended break than a breakup' and told me to expect a letter very soon.

It get's worse again though, on Sunday he rang me at 8pm to tell me that he had decided he had no idea about how he felt about me and wanted to cut all contact. He told me he would tell me by the following weekend what his feelings were. So I was left waiting and crushed again.

That Friday came and went

The Friday came and I spent all day fretting about how I looked and what would happen. My flipping dress kept on staining whenever I got water on it, and when you spend all day crying that is ALOT. I frantically tried drying it under the hand dryer and the marks went a lighter colour than the dress, I looked such a state that I nearly went into town during my lunch break to buy another outfit. Fortunately, after properly drying off and cooling down, the marks on my dress disappeared completely and I was ready to go and face what I had been dreading.

I got the bus into town and was about 5 minutes late, so as the bus pulled in I could see him sitting on the wall. My feelings were weird, I just wanted to hug him and run away at the same time, it was the closest I've ever been to an out of body experience. The first half hour and so was spent with us kind of mumbling and not really looking at each other, it was really cold and business like until finally I broke down and just cried. He stood up and gave me a hug and I swear neither of us let go for about 10 minutes.

It was time for him to walk me to the bus station to meet H, we walked there just chatting like nothing was wrong. For those 5 minutes it was like we were still together. I told him about updates on my UCAS and he warned me against seeing the latest Twilight film. The only thing different was that we weren't walking arm in arm.

We got to the bus station early and I started crying again. This time he gave me a hug and stroked my hair, comforting me when we finally pulled apart he kissed me on the forehead. It was so weird as it felt so normal. I think we both felt something. Towards the end we were both crying and he was holding my hand telling me he was going to write me letters and that it might all be okay. When I finally left as H's bus came in, he kissed my forehead once more and told me to expect a letter.

As I broke down to H afterwards, I really honestly thought that he felt the same way that I did and that one day it would all be okay.

Did I mention the Facebook Photos?

He was never a big socialite during sixth form. He hated drinking, dancing and even posing for photos. I was was nearly the opposite, I've never been big on drinking, but I loved seeing my friends and going to parties. I changed for him, I barely ever wore makeup, spent my weekends having dinner or watching films with him instead of going to parties with my friends. It's not like I was annoyed at this though, I loved spending time with him, I liked nothing more than just being with him. It wasn't a bad thing at the time, I just changed the way I spent my time.

I know when you go to uni most people change, there are so much more opportunities that it's hard not to go out to parties every now and again but I didn't expect this. On the Monday after the break up he went out clubbing and the next day I was greeted with something like 50+ photos of him out in some top end city club, partying on a VIP table next to some stars of a popular reality show. There's one photo of him smiling and holding a massive bottle of champagne, what happened to never ever drinking? There's another photo of him with his arm round one of his female friends from uni, the one who he had casually joked that he would have fancied if it wasn't for me (this casual joke along with their constant flirting in my presence had lead to an argument a few weeks back so he knew that the photo would upset me) and their was a video of him and his friends creating a dance routine and singing along to the music. Not really the sort of behaviour I was expecting from someone who had just finished a relationship. Didn't make me feel great at all.

What does one wear to this sort of thing?

Now I know it's trivial but I honestly spent all the time up until that Friday evening worrying about what to wear, how to present myself. He always used to like me either completely without makeup or really dressed up with curled hair as if I was going out. I guess I hardly ever dressed like either of those extremes. I didn't want to look the complete unwashed state that I'd felt like for the past week, but I didn't want to look like I'd tried to hard for him either and there was no way I could go completely without makeup with my blotchy eyes and lovely emerging stress spots.

I settled on this dress from Apricot. I feel safe in red and I thought it looked pretty but not too dressy. It didn't show any boobs or leg so he wouldn't have anything to look at but my face and it was nice enough to wear out to dinner afterwards with H. I hoped it was the dress that would make him want me back.

Facing up.

Before the break up he had planned to come home the following weekend and visit. He'd promised his family a visit so couldn't really avoid coming home and he suggested that we should meet up to talk things through. I wanted to go, of course I wanted to go. What girl wouldn't want the chance to go and win back someone they loved, or even just see them, even just to say goodbye.

 I'm not stupid though, even I knew that ground rules had to be set. I told him that I would meet him in our local town, at the train station, talk for an hour and  a half and then I would meet one of my friends H for dinner at Nando's. His reply to this wasn't great, 'Fine. If you only want to see me for a tiny bit than that's up to you.' What did he think was going to happen?

It gets worse though. His mixed messages came, with him texting me to say 'I'm really excited about seeing you on Friday. I can't wait.' Mind my language, but WTF? He breaks up with me then says he's excited about seeing me, it wasn't going to be a date, this was going to be our hardest face to face meeting yet, possibly the last time we ever saw each other. I wasn't excited, I was dreading it. I didn't want to see him and for all my feelings to come rushing back and then realise that actually I couldn't act on those feelings. I didn't want to see him and remember that this thing I was going through wasn't just a horrible dream, that it was real and our relationship was over. Oh well, at least I had Nando's to look forward to. 

I can't even watch the telly.

You know it's bad when adverts make you cry. It started with the tea advert, the one that has Charelene Soraira's - Wherever you will go playing and only got worse when the Nina Ricci perfume advert came on. He'd been saying for ages that he was going to get me that perfume for Christmas. He said the song that played in the background reminded him of me. I guess I won't be getting that perfume now.

And then came the phone call.

That phone call that brought it all home. The one where he'd said he'd read the email and that it had made him cry and he had nothing to say to me. The phone call where he crushed me by mocking that I'd thought it would last forever, apparently he'd been having doubts for months. Apparently he'd 'grown up' over the Summer and felt 'realistically and statistically' that the relationship wouldn't last.

We'd talked over the Summer about sleeping together, we'd been talking about it for about a year really. During the Summer after endless talks and even a consideration, prompted on his behalf, about whether we should wait till marriage we decided the Summer would be a good time. We went through all the motions, I went to the Doctors and he knew that I would never ever have done it if I hadn't thought we would have been together forever. The whole Summer we were perfect. Why didn't he tell me he was having doubts, ending it back then would have made things so much easier.

I couldn't let go. Desperate email.

He wouldn't call or text or anything. So I broke and sent him an email. I might as well just copy and paste it into here. I have to say, I'm ashamed, it's pretty cliché, but I meant every word.

I think I need to say this now. 

I'm really sorry A, for both of us, for how this ended. I really thought it was going to last forever. Although it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to me and I still can't really believe it's actually happened, I know it wasn't right for us to go on as we were. I guess you were right, we were holding each other back and you can't base a relationship on that. 

I thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You've been my best friend for nearly two years now and I feel that you know me more than anyone in the world. Thank you for caring for and supporting me, you were amazing. I hope I will look upon our relationship fondly in the future, I know I will never forget you and I'm so pleased that we shared our special firsts with each other, I don't regret any of it. 

I wish you all the best in the future. You really are special A, you work so hard at everything you do and you have the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met. I know whatever you do, you'll do it well. Never let anyone take you for granted and if anyone else comes along, make sure they're perfect. Demand the best. You deserve it. 

I hope we can be friends. I'll never forget you. 

I know it's stupid that I didn't just write 'Take me back, I need you and miss you' but I felt at that point that any communication, whether it be as small as a promise to stay in contact or keep communication, would be something. I thought that he'd want to be friends and then realise how much of a mistake this was, how much he missed me and needed me in his life. I think I was wrong. 

How can things go from that to this?

The worst bit came on the Tuesday. When I came home from school there was a letter waiting for me. The most perfect, romantic letter filled with anecdotes and complements AND SENT ON SATURDAY MORNING. Yes, not joking, sent less than 12 hours before we broke up. How on earth can you go from that letter, that letter that would in a normal situation have made me the happiest girlfriend in the world, to ending the relationship the very same day. The letter told me you loved me, at least three times, it told me you missed me and that you couldn't wait to see me. That letter would have made everything okay, it was the letter I had been waiting for for weeks, the letter than showed me you still felt the same.

The letter that came just a bit too late. The letter that instead of making me want to get the next train to his uni town and kiss him (okay I still want to do that now, but not for the same reasons) instead made me break down and go back to exactly what I had felt at 8pm Saturday when it ended.

The morning after the morning after - Facing school

I thought Monday was going to be the hardest day yet. I had dealt with pretending that I was okay at home and had a perfected the pattern of sleeping and not talking to my family but I had no idea how to deal with school. It was almost like I felt ashamed of the break up, everyone had always known me and A to be so strong, everyone had always joked that I was going to be the first one to get married. But here I was, single, after 2 years. My relationship had failed.

Getting on the school bus was weird, only one of the girls knew and I just pretended to be asleep not wanting to get drawn into conversation. I was fine again until I saw one of my friends who knew and was probably waiting for me to just collapse in her arms, which I did. I didn't go to registration and was escorted to San where I sat and cried for a good half an hour. After this I just glided through lessons feeling numb, I'm assuming people gradually found out what had happened as there was sympathy and the occasional passing comment of 'his loss' and some profanities. It's a weird feeling having people feel sorry for you when you're still in denial about what has happened, it just didn't feel real.

It's not really over until it's Facebook official.

In the age of social media, a relationship isn't over until your Facebook status is set to single; until you no longer have a link, right by your name to the one person that makes you feel whole.

This happened to me at approximately 8:30pm, a week ago last Saturday, when a much looked forward to Skype conversation turned sour and my boyfriend of nearly two years became no longer, with each of sat in the safety of our own rooms.  I'm not saying it was all his decision and that I tried my hardest to fight back. I feel that I've been fighting back for a long time and I just collapsed in shock and went along with the what seems now ridiculous process of logging into his Facebook account per his instruction to end our relationship and delete the status so no one else could comment on it (He couldn't do it because it won't let him edit his profile on his Ipad.)

The rest of the evening and the following day were spent in cycles of me crying and feeling numb, crying and feeling numb. I had to work on the Sunday morning and can honestly say I was fine and dandy until I was let on a break and went up to reception where my friend H was sitting and I just broke down. Things pretty much went downhill from there, 'Mummy, why is she crying in?' was a question I imagined I was hearing at least a couple of times.

Dinner in the evening didn't go down well. My Dad, who I assume has caught on during the past few years of exams that I am a stress eater, was frankly unimpressed when I turned down my dinner and wanted to go to bed. What a great time for a family argument.

I'm not for one minute thinking that I'm the first or the best person to write about their break ups, but I have found from my experiences over the past week or so that people seem to underestimate the heartbreak of those under the age of 18. (I'm 17 and in Upper 6th, he's 18 and at uni.)
 I think it's fair to say that my relationship was more adult and than many adults I know. I look back at myself when this started and I was 15 and I was a completely different person. I think growing up with someone, having your adolescent self moulded against someone else, almost makes it worse when your suddenly left alone, not really knowing who you are.