I guess there were hints for a while

I can't deny that I hadn't noticed things weren't great for a while. The first time I went to visit him at university he took me to a pub quiz to meet his friends. He was a bit cocky and dominating in front of them, treating me like a possession. He made a comment about why I was wearing so much make up and laughed at me for dressing up to meet his friends. It was mean, but at the time I excused it as him just showing off in front of them. That night, he didn't want to cuddle up next to me, he was stroppy and seemed to resent me visiting. I can remember him shouting at me for turning the hair dryer on after I got out the shower in the morning.

The train journey home the next day was the first time I cried about him not wanting me anymore.

Should probably get a move on with my life.

It's nearing New Years and I think that's my time for a new start. I'm not saying that everything will suddenly be okay, but at the moment I'm seeing it as a kind of barrier where I can put everything that's happened these past weeks behind me and move forward to 2012.

I have a lot that I need to move forward to. I have one module of Maths in January and then mocks in February and UCAS to worry about. 3 offers so far, but I'm still waiting on Warwick and LSE. I have History coursework and essays for my other subjects to write. I have all the work I didn't do before Christmas to catch up on. It's not fun, but I have to do it.

 New Years day will be the shock from the defibrillator I need to get me going again. * Lifeguard analogy* I will restart my life.

Aside from school work, my social life needs a kick up the backside too. Over the past two years I've become the settled girl and I need to start seeing my friends, dressing up and learn to socialise again. I also need to lose the 'relationship weight' (from being too settled), the 'breakup weight' (from all the lovetubs) and now the 'Christmas weight.' I will be toned again, without the illusion put forward by my 5 1/2 inch heels. I will lose my bingo wings and Christmas pudding stomach that's popping out. I will have legs like Pixie Lott. Eat dirt haters, I'm coming back.

I'm also going a bit blonder and may take to shaving my legs again, figured not being as hairy as a hobbit might help.

Merry Christmas Everyone

I want to thank all of the lovely people that have left me support over the past weeks. You've really helped me get through, without you, I probably wouldn't have been able to enjoy today. 

I'm not saying I haven't got upset today, I've had one teary moment, thinking about what could have been our 3rd Christmas. However, today has been great. With my family around me I've really pulled through, we've all pulled through. 

Thanks again everyone.

x

Let's hope tomorrow's jolly

My family and friends have been really good at supporting me this week. I feel really grateful to have them around me. I guess, in a way, our family has supported each other.

My mum was left a bit shaken up after a what I can only call aggressive and patronising phone call from his mum saying that everything was our families fault and spouting lies, that I can only assume were spread my his younger sister about my behaviour. Everything she said was clearly untrue as I had blocked his younger sister and her friends on Facebook and was out in London, without Facebook on the day this happened. As soon as I saw what his sister had written via an email notification I had to text on of my friends my password so that she could be blocked, and I trust that friend well enough to know she would have caused no further interference. His mum didn't deny anything that happened on the day I saw him, but told my mum that it must have been my fault, even when my mum replied telling her of my bruised wrist and sore shoulder. His mum also refused to acknowledge anything that his sister had said about me on Facebook, saying that it was me and my friends who were in the wrong.

His mum is not normally the kind of person to be so horrible. I can only assume that he's giving her a really hard time and as her loyalty lies with him, she is his son after all, that she feels forced to attack our family in order to 'protect' hers. My mum is rubbish in arguments; she admits herself that she is a walkover. Although she feels upset that she felt she just let his mum say what she did about me and my family, I could not be more proud of her. Her strength has been incredible, I would have not even been able to face the phone call.

Apart from that Christmas seems to be going smoothly. I went to a Christmas fitness class with all my friends from work yesterday and then feasted on goats cheese in the local cafe. All my presents are wrapped and the tree is looking lovely. All I need to hope for now is that I don't have a night filled with nightmares again tonight. I sleep and all I see is him. Different dreams, sometimes I'm back outside his house and he's shouting at me again about how I'm a coward and the only thing he admires is that I came to see him, other times he's laughing at me and telling me about his doubts about our relationship and how stupid I am. The worst one was last night though, I dreamt that he was crying, just crying and that he held my hand but he wouldn't stop crying. His family were all around arguing and I just felt this sense of incredible loss. I don't want a dream like that again.

The Aftermath

It's crazy how quickly situations change. Only maybe a week and a half ago I was still hoping for us to get back together, I really thought everything could change and we could get back to the bliss that once was our relationship.

I guess I never stopped to think how much damage was being inflicted on me. I never stopped to think about the times in our relationship where I really wasn't happy. I never thought about the changes I'd seen in him, the cold eyes that didn't show any love, the last time I slept over at his university and he made jokes about another girl in front of me and let me cry myself to sleep beside him, the strange deletion of everything associated with me on Facebook, all of our photos and memories gone. I didn't think about the time he laughed down the phone at me, telling me I was stupid for thinking we were going to be together forever.

Things have changed so much, I saw what he was really like and was forced in that hour the other day to come to terms with the fact that he was no longer the person I fell in love with. Maybe he'll change back to his old self in a while, it could just be a massive over reaction to the guilt he's feeling for everything. But he'll never be the same for me. I never want to see him or contact him again. I may forgive what he has done in time, but I will never forget the pain he caused me, or the cold hard hatred I saw in his eyes.

The aftermath is crazy, his sister (who saw how he behaved the other day) is going pyscho-bitch about me on Facebook, tagging me in loads of crazy posts and publicly bitching about me with her friends. One of my friends joked on my wall about getting a restraining order for him, I didn't even respond and his sister had created a status saying her mum was distraught that I would threaten legal action and be such a bitch. She got 38 likes before I detagged myself and though it was obvious to many that I had not threatened legal action, she's so popular at her school that people would believe anything that spouted out of her mouth. I've deleted her and all of her friends as well as blocking her on Facebook. Although I have detagged myself I can't delete the posts and I am just hoping that people will see through what she is saying. I know she is only trying to defend her brother, but it's awful as she clearly saw what he did to me. I just hope that she can get to terms with what he did and move on, rather than continuing to try and take her anger out on me. I just want to move on from what happened and forget about it in order to enjoy Christmas with my friends and family. 

Whatever happens this Christmas

My Soap Style Life

Right, so yesterday he came home from university. We had a phone call where he was really weird and horrible and distant but also kept laughing and joking. Left in on an average note.

Today I did the craziest thing. You know the thing that people do in films. Stupid me. I told him I was coming round to talk and I went round (I also brought my running kit because he used to love going running with me).

I went round with all of the crap of his that I still had at my house and dropped it off. He refused to look at me or even see me, but came outside to get his things. I had a pair of cheap sunglasses of his and I took them out of my bag and he lunged for them, so I told him he could have them back if he talked to me and told my why he was acting so hatefully. He then lunged at me, twisted my arm behind my back, kicked the backs of my legs and laughed. I dropped the glasses, but he continued to twist my arm round until I started to cry, at which point he pushed me to the ground, picked up the glasses and walked inside, slamming the door. (His family saw all of this) While I got up, his mum called out to ask if I was okay to which he replied ' That? It's just trash that the bin men forgot to pick up, it needs getting rid of.' I threw my red book that he'd given me as a goodbye present before uni at his door and I left.

His mum followed my down the street and called for me and so I turned to talk to her. She apologised for his behaviour and said that he was just getting changed and would come and talk to me properly. We had some general polite conversation where she told me that he had been anti-social every time he'd been home. He then came out looked at me and told me to get walking, we walked and I tried to talk to him. He just ignored me and laughed at every words asking me 'if that was all I'd got.' He finally asked me to ask him questions.

I asked him if he liked someone else:
'Yes'

If he'd kissed her:
'Yes'

If he'd slept with her:
'Yes, last Thursday'

Girlfriend?:
'Kind of, I guess' and then he laughed at me again and went 'See, I wasn't going to tell you'

I turned around and walked back to his house without him. I saw his Mum and asked for my red book back, which she gave to me. I then said 'I know why it is now, he met someone else. At least he didn't cheat' and then I left for my Mum to come and pick me up.

I got in the car with my Mum and we were just leaving when we saw his Mum running down the road crying, we stopped and she told me I had to give the red book back to him because he didn't want me to have it and he was getting really angry at her. I told her I would give it back myself, and I went back to his house and on the way ripped up the book and gave it to him and said that his new girlfriend could have a better one. He just laughed and told me he hated me and swore at me. I left.  Never again will I go anywhere near him. 

Photo

Thought I might grace you with a photo of me in  my dress.

Hitting the town.

Had my first proper party since the break up last night. My work's Christmas staff social at the local hotel. I had a choice of two dresses, a one shouldered red one and a black body con one. I wore the black one, I think I'll save the red one for when I'm ready to really get out there.

I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to have a good time and enjoy myself. But I really did, I staggered around in my 5 1/2 inch heels and my tiny dress, feeling and probably looking better than I had in ages. I had a little bit to drink and danced the night away with my friends, making the most of my camera and photo ready make up. There was one really massive drunken fail, when I may have got a bit over drunk and angry watching my friends get with people while I was trying to figure out how to dance like a normal single human being and I went to call him, luckily a friend noticed and snatched my phone off me before he picked up. I hate myself for this. Anyway, literally ten seconds after I had a really angry text saying that he wanted to block my number and getting all angry. ONE PHONECALL? Jeez lighten up, who hasn't ever done something really stupid while drunk.

Oh well, that ruined it a little bit, but a pick me up from my gorgeous supportive friends made everything so much better. I love them so very much, they'll make my Christmas.

Here's a pic of my dress in case you're interested. It's from Warehouse and cost £55.

Semi-crash again

Today was fine, I guess. Shopping was good, though there was pretty much nothing nice in the shops. They're always pretty poor this time of year. But going to London was okay, I managed it.

Basically London was our city, it was our place to go and shop and hang out and meet up. It was my place to see him and I hadn't been back since. It felt weird and I felt clingy to the place almost, but I was okay, until my friends made me go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. We were supposed to go there for our anniversary and I hated every minute that I was there. I felt like I was surrounded by couples, listening to Michael Buble. Literally wanted to crawl under the wooden roofs of the stupid Bavarian Christmas shacks and cry.

Why am I still like this?

Getting my mojo back

I'm trying this thing that Cheryl Cole apparently used, it's called 'happiness therapy.' Basically I'm just keeping busy doing things that make me happy and showing people how happy I am. If you look happy and confident, eventually you feel it and it's starting to work. I have a nice new Facebook profile picture of me in my sheer black shirt, black bra outline just visible and I have to admit, I look good. I've been complemented by friends who say it's nice to see me dress up again and it feels good.

 I'm shopping in London with friends tomorrow and think a nice bit of retail therapy won't do me any harm. I'm having fun and all the time I'm taking photos, photos of me smiling, surrounded by friends. This way I know I feel good and so does everyone else. If for some reason, sometime I feel down, I'll just look at those photos and remind myself that actually my life doesn't suck. I'm surrounded by friends who love me and what more could I need?

Looking up

Since the weekend, I've actually been feeling a lot better. It's the last week of term, everyone's happy and I'm so busy I don't even have time to think about him. I've realised how crazy I've been and how I need to get on with my life and it's working. I feel practically fine, I can laugh and joke and am really looking forward to a series of parties I'm going to this weekend.

I'm still sad, but I'm not as sad about not being his girlfriend, I'm just sad about not seeing him anymore. I hope that one day we'll be friends.

Realisation

I've realised now how I pushed him away after the break up, I read that men can change their minds really quickly. He did, but he was on the brink of coming back and I pushed him the other way with my over the top keenness and desperation. I almost missed him too much, maybe he honestly didn't know how much he meant to me and it scared him off when he found out.

Nobody wants to get back with a crier. As they sing in Cabaret 'Everybody loves a winner and that's why no one loved me.' I was too desperate and that made me weak and unappealing, it would have been better just to have been confident and sell myself rather than try and give myself away to him again. I'm an ugly crier and being too keen never helps anyone. I've learnt my lesson now and vow not to contact him or let him contact me again for personal contact, just business. I'm going to wait completely and then maybe in January send him a casual birthday card, as an attempt to make peace and if he doesn't reply, I'll have to leave it. I'll realise that I'm no longer a part of his life at all, that he has literally erased me from it.

There's still hope among my realisation though. 

Tears keep coming.

I read in the papers that there is going to be a drought next year, I have a plan. The way I'm going my tears will create enough salty water to keep the sea levels high. The special breeds of fish that expected to die out won't, I will be here to save them with my daily bawling. 

I should have been there

He had his university Christmas ball last night. I should have been there, dancing, looking pretty in a dress that would match his tie in the sickly way couples do that sort of thing. Instead, I was being distracted helping out at my school production, trying anything not to look at Facebook to look for photos or statuses. He is taking  another girl, she is gorgeous with alabaster skin and long curly brown hair, the opposite of me. He commented on Facebook telling her to look pretty because he had standards to uphold. Made me feel well, not great.

I miss him so much, I still feel really lost and confused and I just want to see him. It's been nearly four weeks and I still feel crazy. When will things get better? 

This song makes me feel a bit better.

Anger comes in many forms

My anger changes, from angry tears to elated '**** you, I'm going to move on' moments.

The feeling that I can come out of this stronger and better and later in life move on to a love that is real and actually good for me, makes me feel so hopeful. During these moods I put on makeup and dress up in my best clothes, feeling strong and like I can take on the world. I bitch about him to friends and make jokes. I listen to empowering music like Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway Album and Beyonce. I can do my homework and have the motivation to listen in class, socialise and do exercise.

Then comes the angry tears, the times of hate and anger so tight inside me that I wanted to just rip it out and lash out. I am anti-social, snappy and confused. Why has he done this? Why did this happen to me, the stable one, always comfortable in my relationship and with myself until now.

The angry tears become less and less often, but till then everyone knows when to give me some space. I feel sorry for those around.

Today comes the anger and the hate.

Okay, I sent him an email this morning, the morning after our would be anniversary. One last email, in which I quoted the letter he gave to me the night before he went to uni.

It said 'I am in no doubt that things will be hard, but I know through all our experiences together, that we can get through anything. I want you to stick with me and keep loving me like you do and everything will come from me in return.'


I told him that we could get past this still, that we'd both been stupid and selfish and that it would be okay if we both tried. I reminded him of the times we'd had and how it's stupid to just leave all that at nothing.

Of course he just rang me and told me he thought I was pathetic for being so upset and that if I was 'normal' and happy he might want me back. That it was me that made him hate me. I then cried and he just laughed at me. I told him that he wouldn't want me back if I was happy, that I was being normal being upset after the breakup, that he just didn't want me back and that he was being horrible to me to make me hate him so he didn't feel guilty about upsetting me. He told me I was an idiot and that he wouldn't ever regret breaking up with me and that he never ever wanted to see me or get back together with me.

I hung up at that point. Now I'm just angry. I think anger is better than sadness, at least now  I have some feelings of hate I can start to see how wrong it was. Hopefully this will help. The hate feels empowering, I don't feel as weak anymore.  

New Diet

The lovetub diet 
It's warm and gooey and fills you up like a treat. I feel love in my tummy when I eat this. It will never let you down. 

The hardest day

Today would have been our two year anniversary. We should have been exchanging cheesy texts all day and looking forward to the (already booked with only a partial refund, £50 lost on my behalf) hotel for our romantic weekend. We were supposed to exchange presents and I was supposed to give him the engraved silver and leather bracelet that he'd been hinting at for ages. We were supposed to go Christmas shopping and have hot milkshakes, just like our first date two years ago.

Instead, I didn't sleep at all last night and spent today dozing through my lessons, with my energy coming from two Lovetubs, a muffin, a McDonalds and a pizza. I have spent my free time watching both Legally Blonde films and feeling numb. I have been both needy and anti-social, probably angering all the lovely patient people who have helped me through today. I have been to Zumba and then spent 45 in the steam room. I have also worn make up for the first time in what feels like ages. I have both felt good about myself and felt lost and upset. I'm angry that we're not together and I can't stop thinking about all of our memories. 

Today has been the hardest day, I feel empty and tired and full of loss. I feel that I finally look like me again, but I only want to share it with him. The hardest bit of all though is the underlying hope and expectation I had all day that he would contact me today to say he missed me and it didn't happen. It's really over. 

It's not over - Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me? 
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever
It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

I'm ashamed to say this

I've been building myself up to write this. It's hard and crazy and I still haven't come to terms with it, but I think I need to get it out of my system.

 Basically, he didn't write a letter, he didn't even text, he didn't phone me on the Friday. I know I should of just taken his non response as his answer and started moving on, but I felt I couldn't. I was so hopeful that he was still deciding that he wanted to get back together with me. I was so upset that he hadn't phoned me yet. I was so angry that after two years and a weekend of mixed messages that he was just going to leave me hanging for ever. It made me crazy, I couldn't think. I was constantly checking my phone, emails and Facebook  One of his uni friends spoke to me on Facebook and said that he wanted me and the ex to get back together but that he thought that he was fine and that everything seemed back to normal, he then encouraged me to go and surprise him at his university in an attempt to get back together. Of course I didn't do that, that would have been crazy, stunts like that only work in films, plus there was no way I could afford the train tickets and my parents wouldn't have let me anyway.

But what I did wasn't that much better. I might have gone a little bit over the top on Friday night and phoned him about 30 odd times and sent him a text and an email telling him to contact me. I also phoned him on the Saturday about 10 times during the day. You know when you know someone is hanging up on you because it rings a few times then just cuts out, I had that and I hated it, I refused to give up until he had  given me an answer, I thought I deserved to know what he wanted. How was I supposed to move on if I was still hoping he'd want me back someday.

He rang in the evening, it was cold and he simply said that he hated me and that I'd brought this on myself, that if I hadn't of rang him his views might be different, that he might of tried to make things work. When he hung up I threw up. I feel so stupid and angry and confused. Why was I so stupid and desperate and crazy phoning him all those times? Why didn't I just wait and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position now, he might still want me. It's been the hardest week thinking about this, it doesn't feel real, I feel so lost. I never thought I'd turn into one of those crazy exes.

Sorry I'm late.

I know I haven't posted for the past few days. I'm just having a really hard time coming to term with what's happening. It's like I'm going through mood cycle's. I'll be fine and really excited and motivated to write this blog because people are actually reading it and that makes me feel good, but then I'll think that actually I have no one to share this success with. I haven't shown it to anyone I know and the person I normally share my successes with isn't interested and would never ever even look at me again if he found out. It's like I look at the blog and when I actually think about it I remember the reason why I'm writing it. I forget it's success and just think about the loss it represents.

What's happened since my last post is something I'm really find hard to digest. I've started the post. It's in my drafts and as soon as I can face up to it, I'll finish it and post it. Hopefully it will be a relief. 

Mixed up World

He sent me a text making sure I was home safe after we'd meet up and said he hoped I'd had a nice time with my friends. He texted me on Saturday asking if I was okay and said that he would ring me in the evening. In the evening we just talked about everyday life and at the end he mentioned that he was seeing this as 'more of an extended break than a breakup' and told me to expect a letter very soon.

It get's worse again though, on Sunday he rang me at 8pm to tell me that he had decided he had no idea about how he felt about me and wanted to cut all contact. He told me he would tell me by the following weekend what his feelings were. So I was left waiting and crushed again.

That Friday came and went

The Friday came and I spent all day fretting about how I looked and what would happen. My flipping dress kept on staining whenever I got water on it, and when you spend all day crying that is ALOT. I frantically tried drying it under the hand dryer and the marks went a lighter colour than the dress, I looked such a state that I nearly went into town during my lunch break to buy another outfit. Fortunately, after properly drying off and cooling down, the marks on my dress disappeared completely and I was ready to go and face what I had been dreading.

I got the bus into town and was about 5 minutes late, so as the bus pulled in I could see him sitting on the wall. My feelings were weird, I just wanted to hug him and run away at the same time, it was the closest I've ever been to an out of body experience. The first half hour and so was spent with us kind of mumbling and not really looking at each other, it was really cold and business like until finally I broke down and just cried. He stood up and gave me a hug and I swear neither of us let go for about 10 minutes.

It was time for him to walk me to the bus station to meet H, we walked there just chatting like nothing was wrong. For those 5 minutes it was like we were still together. I told him about updates on my UCAS and he warned me against seeing the latest Twilight film. The only thing different was that we weren't walking arm in arm.

We got to the bus station early and I started crying again. This time he gave me a hug and stroked my hair, comforting me when we finally pulled apart he kissed me on the forehead. It was so weird as it felt so normal. I think we both felt something. Towards the end we were both crying and he was holding my hand telling me he was going to write me letters and that it might all be okay. When I finally left as H's bus came in, he kissed my forehead once more and told me to expect a letter.

As I broke down to H afterwards, I really honestly thought that he felt the same way that I did and that one day it would all be okay.

Did I mention the Facebook Photos?

He was never a big socialite during sixth form. He hated drinking, dancing and even posing for photos. I was was nearly the opposite, I've never been big on drinking, but I loved seeing my friends and going to parties. I changed for him, I barely ever wore makeup, spent my weekends having dinner or watching films with him instead of going to parties with my friends. It's not like I was annoyed at this though, I loved spending time with him, I liked nothing more than just being with him. It wasn't a bad thing at the time, I just changed the way I spent my time.

I know when you go to uni most people change, there are so much more opportunities that it's hard not to go out to parties every now and again but I didn't expect this. On the Monday after the break up he went out clubbing and the next day I was greeted with something like 50+ photos of him out in some top end city club, partying on a VIP table next to some stars of a popular reality show. There's one photo of him smiling and holding a massive bottle of champagne, what happened to never ever drinking? There's another photo of him with his arm round one of his female friends from uni, the one who he had casually joked that he would have fancied if it wasn't for me (this casual joke along with their constant flirting in my presence had lead to an argument a few weeks back so he knew that the photo would upset me) and their was a video of him and his friends creating a dance routine and singing along to the music. Not really the sort of behaviour I was expecting from someone who had just finished a relationship. Didn't make me feel great at all.

What does one wear to this sort of thing?

Now I know it's trivial but I honestly spent all the time up until that Friday evening worrying about what to wear, how to present myself. He always used to like me either completely without makeup or really dressed up with curled hair as if I was going out. I guess I hardly ever dressed like either of those extremes. I didn't want to look the complete unwashed state that I'd felt like for the past week, but I didn't want to look like I'd tried to hard for him either and there was no way I could go completely without makeup with my blotchy eyes and lovely emerging stress spots.

I settled on this dress from Apricot. I feel safe in red and I thought it looked pretty but not too dressy. It didn't show any boobs or leg so he wouldn't have anything to look at but my face and it was nice enough to wear out to dinner afterwards with H. I hoped it was the dress that would make him want me back.

Facing up.

Before the break up he had planned to come home the following weekend and visit. He'd promised his family a visit so couldn't really avoid coming home and he suggested that we should meet up to talk things through. I wanted to go, of course I wanted to go. What girl wouldn't want the chance to go and win back someone they loved, or even just see them, even just to say goodbye.

 I'm not stupid though, even I knew that ground rules had to be set. I told him that I would meet him in our local town, at the train station, talk for an hour and  a half and then I would meet one of my friends H for dinner at Nando's. His reply to this wasn't great, 'Fine. If you only want to see me for a tiny bit than that's up to you.' What did he think was going to happen?

It gets worse though. His mixed messages came, with him texting me to say 'I'm really excited about seeing you on Friday. I can't wait.' Mind my language, but WTF? He breaks up with me then says he's excited about seeing me, it wasn't going to be a date, this was going to be our hardest face to face meeting yet, possibly the last time we ever saw each other. I wasn't excited, I was dreading it. I didn't want to see him and for all my feelings to come rushing back and then realise that actually I couldn't act on those feelings. I didn't want to see him and remember that this thing I was going through wasn't just a horrible dream, that it was real and our relationship was over. Oh well, at least I had Nando's to look forward to. 

I can't even watch the telly.

You know it's bad when adverts make you cry. It started with the tea advert, the one that has Charelene Soraira's - Wherever you will go playing and only got worse when the Nina Ricci perfume advert came on. He'd been saying for ages that he was going to get me that perfume for Christmas. He said the song that played in the background reminded him of me. I guess I won't be getting that perfume now.

And then came the phone call.

That phone call that brought it all home. The one where he'd said he'd read the email and that it had made him cry and he had nothing to say to me. The phone call where he crushed me by mocking that I'd thought it would last forever, apparently he'd been having doubts for months. Apparently he'd 'grown up' over the Summer and felt 'realistically and statistically' that the relationship wouldn't last.

We'd talked over the Summer about sleeping together, we'd been talking about it for about a year really. During the Summer after endless talks and even a consideration, prompted on his behalf, about whether we should wait till marriage we decided the Summer would be a good time. We went through all the motions, I went to the Doctors and he knew that I would never ever have done it if I hadn't thought we would have been together forever. The whole Summer we were perfect. Why didn't he tell me he was having doubts, ending it back then would have made things so much easier.

I couldn't let go. Desperate email.

He wouldn't call or text or anything. So I broke and sent him an email. I might as well just copy and paste it into here. I have to say, I'm ashamed, it's pretty cliché, but I meant every word.

I think I need to say this now. 

I'm really sorry A, for both of us, for how this ended. I really thought it was going to last forever. Although it's the hardest thing that's ever happened to me and I still can't really believe it's actually happened, I know it wasn't right for us to go on as we were. I guess you were right, we were holding each other back and you can't base a relationship on that. 

I thank you for everything you've ever done for me. You've been my best friend for nearly two years now and I feel that you know me more than anyone in the world. Thank you for caring for and supporting me, you were amazing. I hope I will look upon our relationship fondly in the future, I know I will never forget you and I'm so pleased that we shared our special firsts with each other, I don't regret any of it. 

I wish you all the best in the future. You really are special A, you work so hard at everything you do and you have the kindest heart of anyone I've ever met. I know whatever you do, you'll do it well. Never let anyone take you for granted and if anyone else comes along, make sure they're perfect. Demand the best. You deserve it. 

I hope we can be friends. I'll never forget you. 

I know it's stupid that I didn't just write 'Take me back, I need you and miss you' but I felt at that point that any communication, whether it be as small as a promise to stay in contact or keep communication, would be something. I thought that he'd want to be friends and then realise how much of a mistake this was, how much he missed me and needed me in his life. I think I was wrong. 

How can things go from that to this?

The worst bit came on the Tuesday. When I came home from school there was a letter waiting for me. The most perfect, romantic letter filled with anecdotes and complements AND SENT ON SATURDAY MORNING. Yes, not joking, sent less than 12 hours before we broke up. How on earth can you go from that letter, that letter that would in a normal situation have made me the happiest girlfriend in the world, to ending the relationship the very same day. The letter told me you loved me, at least three times, it told me you missed me and that you couldn't wait to see me. That letter would have made everything okay, it was the letter I had been waiting for for weeks, the letter than showed me you still felt the same.

The letter that came just a bit too late. The letter that instead of making me want to get the next train to his uni town and kiss him (okay I still want to do that now, but not for the same reasons) instead made me break down and go back to exactly what I had felt at 8pm Saturday when it ended.

The morning after the morning after - Facing school

I thought Monday was going to be the hardest day yet. I had dealt with pretending that I was okay at home and had a perfected the pattern of sleeping and not talking to my family but I had no idea how to deal with school. It was almost like I felt ashamed of the break up, everyone had always known me and A to be so strong, everyone had always joked that I was going to be the first one to get married. But here I was, single, after 2 years. My relationship had failed.

Getting on the school bus was weird, only one of the girls knew and I just pretended to be asleep not wanting to get drawn into conversation. I was fine again until I saw one of my friends who knew and was probably waiting for me to just collapse in her arms, which I did. I didn't go to registration and was escorted to San where I sat and cried for a good half an hour. After this I just glided through lessons feeling numb, I'm assuming people gradually found out what had happened as there was sympathy and the occasional passing comment of 'his loss' and some profanities. It's a weird feeling having people feel sorry for you when you're still in denial about what has happened, it just didn't feel real.

It's not really over until it's Facebook official.

In the age of social media, a relationship isn't over until your Facebook status is set to single; until you no longer have a link, right by your name to the one person that makes you feel whole.

This happened to me at approximately 8:30pm, a week ago last Saturday, when a much looked forward to Skype conversation turned sour and my boyfriend of nearly two years became no longer, with each of sat in the safety of our own rooms.  I'm not saying it was all his decision and that I tried my hardest to fight back. I feel that I've been fighting back for a long time and I just collapsed in shock and went along with the what seems now ridiculous process of logging into his Facebook account per his instruction to end our relationship and delete the status so no one else could comment on it (He couldn't do it because it won't let him edit his profile on his Ipad.)

The rest of the evening and the following day were spent in cycles of me crying and feeling numb, crying and feeling numb. I had to work on the Sunday morning and can honestly say I was fine and dandy until I was let on a break and went up to reception where my friend H was sitting and I just broke down. Things pretty much went downhill from there, 'Mummy, why is she crying in?' was a question I imagined I was hearing at least a couple of times.

Dinner in the evening didn't go down well. My Dad, who I assume has caught on during the past few years of exams that I am a stress eater, was frankly unimpressed when I turned down my dinner and wanted to go to bed. What a great time for a family argument.

I'm not for one minute thinking that I'm the first or the best person to write about their break ups, but I have found from my experiences over the past week or so that people seem to underestimate the heartbreak of those under the age of 18. (I'm 17 and in Upper 6th, he's 18 and at uni.)
 I think it's fair to say that my relationship was more adult and than many adults I know. I look back at myself when this started and I was 15 and I was a completely different person. I think growing up with someone, having your adolescent self moulded against someone else, almost makes it worse when your suddenly left alone, not really knowing who you are.