sdfsadfasd I HATE BOYS

A mess this weekend. Aside from the fact that I'm more than a little bit miffed at rumours that my ex is taking his new girlfriend to Paris in half term, this guy I've been texting since New Years was supposed to be taking me out on a date on Saturday and cancelled Saturday morning with a 'hangover'.

I feel stupid. I really thought that I was getting back on track and I was really really looking forward to my date. I felt all silly and girlie and giggly, I can't remember the last time I felt like that. It was crazy. I was so disappointed and angry at myself for getting my hopes up so much. I really thought that maybe I was ready for a date. I'm obviously not, the let down brought back so many bad feelings and memories. I still feel so bitter that I'm being let down while the ex is fine. I shouldn't be feeling like that if I want to go out on a date with this guy.

The guy sent me a really nice apology text in the evening though, after I was noticeably annoyed. I really fancy him, so maybe if he impresses me then there will be another chance for a date. I may forgive him to easily, but he's been warned, I've been treated like rubbish before and I'm not taking that treatment again. I'm keeping my guard up, properly, I really feel that I'm not in a position to let myself like someone just yet.  I'm still feeling pretty vulnerable so I don't think he's my someone, but I guess there's no harm in a date. 

Anyone know any online Bailiffs?

I'm just constantly frustrated with this nowadays. I'm fed up with his lying emails and excuses about not being able to transfer my website from the account we used to share. He said he has no internet in his room, but I know he does because he's used the edited his website so I know he's still accessing the account. I'm paying still paying for my part and I'm finding it so stressful that I can't access it. It's been a month since that last horrible day and I would have thought he would want to cut the cord as much as I do.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm never going to get my website back, but I spent so much time and effort on it, it's on my personal statement and everything. I just feel like he still has this over powering control by keeping it from me and I don't think there is anything I can do to get it back. 

Two steps forward, one step back.

A massive contradiction to my last post, but earlier today I had my first mini-breakdown in ages.

 Maybe it's because I'm stressing about the email he sent me last week concerning the joint website provider account for our separate businesses that we used to have (he changed the passwords and blocked me out of it when he went horrible) saying that he hasn't transferred my site yet because he has no internet in him room. It's been 2 months, I am stressing. I can't reply in an angry way because it will just look like I'm angry over him not the website and that I still have messed up feelings for him. I feel so weak not being able to get it back, it feels like he's laughing at me, being in control of this final piece of closure.

Or maybe it's because I feel so stressed and confused about this guy I'm texting. I almost don't want to trust what he says, I don't want to like him, ultimately I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to be rebound girl, I don't even know what a rebound truly is, but whatever it is, it doesn't sound healthy. Knowing me I'd be the one to like him too much.

It's all crazy, especially as underlying all of this mess I almost feel guilty about wanting to move on. I feel like I should owe something to the past 2 years. I know I'm only young, but I was truly in love with my ex-boyfriend and everything just felt so right and planned out with him. I know I'm probably still figuring out the instability of not knowing where my life is going, but it's frustrating me now. I shouldn't have to cry any more.

Brick by boring brick.

Self confidence is one of those things that takes absolutely ages to built, years even. Built up carefully through happy memories, nice photos and compliments it can be taken away by in a second. 

My confidence is slowly coming back, I can look at myself now without questioning what went wrong. Without asking if it would be different if I had been skinnier, or bubblier, or shaved my legs all the time. I'm stopping doubting myself, stopping feeling ashamed when anyone asks how I'm doing or very occasionally asks what happened between me and him. I still have moments when I look back, but I'm trying not to look back with regret, it just makes me feel weak. I have to think about how much worse it would have been if it had happened a few years on, if we'd moved in together. I'd have been a mess, the issues of sorting out a stupid website account we share are nothing compared to the mess of sorting out a house and a life together. 

All my friends seem to be turning 18 at the moment, which means I have a lot of parties to go to and a lot of different outfits to wear. This means happy photos. I know a teenagers life shouldn't be measured by others on their Facebook photos, but they are, and since the break up I've lost over 100 photos of me as they were all with him. I've also come to realise that all my other photos are of me in my onsie, it's not a bad thing, but I probably don't give off the impression of a 17 year old whose 'lovin life.' Hopefully I will soon. Have also made my profile private for the time being, really don't want the ex's friends or his new bit  having a good old stalk. In the shallowest way, I'm going to wait till I have a super hot display picture to scare them all off. 

Somebody that I used to know

This song came to me at just the right time, it's beautiful. 

2012 is shaping up.

Okay so the school work that I didn't do because of all the mess and heartbreak at the end of last term has caught up with me, I had to spend the first two days of term catching up on homework during my frees. Great.

Apart from that things are going rather well. I feel as if there is a massive load off my shoulders and people at school have noticed how much cheerier I seem. I mean, I still can't listen to Katy Perry's -One That Got Away without feeling a little bit bitter, but apart from that things truly are moving up. I've spent a good £200 on sales now, and got a personal best for my 400m swim, so I am getting fitter. I've also booked a holiday to Tenerife with my friends after exams finish, I think it will be good to just have a girly week and relax in the sun.

I'm still confused about this other boy though, good things come at such bad times. I'm not even sure whether it's a good thing yet, we've only been texting since so I guess I'll have to wait and see if I see him again. Crazy. 

New Year, New Start and all that.

How did I bring in 2012? At a party of a friend of a friend from my old school, with all of my old secondary school friends that I've kept in touch with. It was nice partying with the girls who have kept me sane over these past few weeks and seeing some rather old faces again. I drank a fair amount, but not too much, and just had fun.

 There were a couple of older boys there, the hosts sister's friends, who were a couple of years above us at school. I got talking to a few of them after they enticed us younguns with a drinking game. It was strange seeing people flirting with me again, I don't think I've had someone treat me like that in ages. I've always either been the girl that's pretty much settled down or more recently, the girl with the broken heart. I liked not being judged on either of those two things.

One of the boys, who I must say is an attractive man, has been texting me since then. I like him and it's the weirdest feeling. I almost feel guilty about liking him, I don't think I should be able to feel like this yet, all smiley inside when he sends a text. I know I have no feelings for my ex any more, after our lasting meeting he's been dead to me (strong words, I know) but I still feel that I should be grieving. I just haven't thought about him in a romantic way for what feels like such a long time now, it's almost as if it's another life. The pain I feel now isn't over him, it's over what feels like a gap in my life as I blank out the memories.

This boy know's that I'm just out of a relationship and for all I know, has probably heard some of the mess surrounding it. I know I'm not ready for something serious, I can't risk getting hurt again, but it feels right talking to him. I don't want to be messed around and I also don't want to hurt his feelings by suddenly backing out if I feel that I can't allow myself to like him.  But could it be that in all this mess, a good person might have turned up in front of me, just at a really stupid time?