I've been building myself up to write this. It's hard and crazy and I still haven't come to terms with it, but I think I need to get it out of my system.
Basically, he didn't write a letter, he didn't even text, he didn't phone me on the Friday. I know I should of just taken his non response as his answer and started moving on, but I felt I couldn't. I was so hopeful that he was still deciding that he wanted to get back together with me. I was so upset that he hadn't phoned me yet. I was so angry that after two years and a weekend of mixed messages that he was just going to leave me hanging for ever. It made me crazy, I couldn't think. I was constantly checking my phone, emails and Facebook One of his uni friends spoke to me on Facebook and said that he wanted me and the ex to get back together but that he thought that he was fine and that everything seemed back to normal, he then encouraged me to go and surprise him at his university in an attempt to get back together. Of course I didn't do that, that would have been crazy, stunts like that only work in films, plus there was no way I could afford the train tickets and my parents wouldn't have let me anyway.
But what I did wasn't that much better. I might have gone a little bit over the top on Friday night and phoned him about 30 odd times and sent him a text and an email telling him to contact me. I also phoned him on the Saturday about 10 times during the day. You know when you know someone is hanging up on you because it rings a few times then just cuts out, I had that and I hated it, I refused to give up until he had given me an answer, I thought I deserved to know what he wanted. How was I supposed to move on if I was still hoping he'd want me back someday.
He rang in the evening, it was cold and he simply said that he hated me and that I'd brought this on myself, that if I hadn't of rang him his views might be different, that he might of tried to make things work. When he hung up I threw up. I feel so stupid and angry and confused. Why was I so stupid and desperate and crazy phoning him all those times? Why didn't I just wait and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position now, he might still want me. It's been the hardest week thinking about this, it doesn't feel real, I feel so lost. I never thought I'd turn into one of those crazy exes.
Basically, he didn't write a letter, he didn't even text, he didn't phone me on the Friday. I know I should of just taken his non response as his answer and started moving on, but I felt I couldn't. I was so hopeful that he was still deciding that he wanted to get back together with me. I was so upset that he hadn't phoned me yet. I was so angry that after two years and a weekend of mixed messages that he was just going to leave me hanging for ever. It made me crazy, I couldn't think. I was constantly checking my phone, emails and Facebook One of his uni friends spoke to me on Facebook and said that he wanted me and the ex to get back together but that he thought that he was fine and that everything seemed back to normal, he then encouraged me to go and surprise him at his university in an attempt to get back together. Of course I didn't do that, that would have been crazy, stunts like that only work in films, plus there was no way I could afford the train tickets and my parents wouldn't have let me anyway.
But what I did wasn't that much better. I might have gone a little bit over the top on Friday night and phoned him about 30 odd times and sent him a text and an email telling him to contact me. I also phoned him on the Saturday about 10 times during the day. You know when you know someone is hanging up on you because it rings a few times then just cuts out, I had that and I hated it, I refused to give up until he had given me an answer, I thought I deserved to know what he wanted. How was I supposed to move on if I was still hoping he'd want me back someday.
He rang in the evening, it was cold and he simply said that he hated me and that I'd brought this on myself, that if I hadn't of rang him his views might be different, that he might of tried to make things work. When he hung up I threw up. I feel so stupid and angry and confused. Why was I so stupid and desperate and crazy phoning him all those times? Why didn't I just wait and then maybe I wouldn't be in this position now, he might still want me. It's been the hardest week thinking about this, it doesn't feel real, I feel so lost. I never thought I'd turn into one of those crazy exes.
Don't beat yourself up, of course you needed to know where you stood with him. He should have got in contact like he said he would but he was too cowardly. He is just using your emotional reaction to him breaking up with you as an excuse to denigrate you, and therefore justify his actions. He sounds a real jerk.
ReplyDeleteI have been through a very similiar experience. My ex went off to uni and also became a completely different person and we broke up due to him losing his feelings for me. I didn't fight to keep him but have wondered if I should have. You did fight but lost him anyway so it seems to me now that if they want to leave there is nothing much you can do to make them stay.
You will feel better, I promise you, the first couple of months are very hard but it gets easier after that and time is a great healer. Keep writing- your blog is great! Best wishes, Katie x
Don't blame yourself for ringing him, he sounds like an arse, really. I'm sorry, but you don't say you "hate" your ex just because of calling him. He's an idiot & you're better of without him. Take care of yourself and your health - no one will if you won't, and it's not worth it!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I know it was a little crazy of me to call him so much, I was just desperate. Hopefully one day I will be better off without him, until then I'm living off Lovetubs and that's about it. x
ReplyDelete