Today would have been our two year anniversary. We should have been exchanging cheesy texts all day and looking forward to the (already booked with only a partial refund, £50 lost on my behalf) hotel for our romantic weekend. We were supposed to exchange presents and I was supposed to give him the engraved silver and leather bracelet that he'd been hinting at for ages. We were supposed to go Christmas shopping and have hot milkshakes, just like our first date two years ago.
Instead, I didn't sleep at all last night and spent today dozing through my lessons, with my energy coming from two Lovetubs, a muffin, a McDonalds and a pizza. I have spent my free time watching both Legally Blonde films and feeling numb. I have been both needy and anti-social, probably angering all the lovely patient people who have helped me through today. I have been to Zumba and then spent 45 in the steam room. I have also worn make up for the first time in what feels like ages. I have both felt good about myself and felt lost and upset. I'm angry that we're not together and I can't stop thinking about all of our memories.
Today has been the hardest day, I feel empty and tired and full of loss. I feel that I finally look like me again, but I only want to share it with him. The hardest bit of all though is the underlying hope and expectation I had all day that he would contact me today to say he missed me and it didn't happen. It's really over.
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